The preview for this episode of The Real Housewives Of Dallas hints Brandi (an ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader) will get raunchy at a strip joint. Shoot me now. I figure if even 20% of the women who watch this show read this review, it will have been read by 10 people. The show is that bad.
I’m going to bounce around a lot because that’s what happens during these shows, so bare with me.
Apparently Brandi‘s husband travels all the time so she rarely sees him and misses him, it’s putting a strain on their marriage. Maybe that’s why she acts out with infantile behavior.
LeeAnne loves her dogs and her boyfriend Rich who has been married twice and has a daughter she adores. The way it waxes poetic about his daughter and how much she loves now having a family I am going to go out on a limb and guess his daughter does not feel the same way. LeeAnne tries too hard. I wish I could say a tad too hard, but a MAC truck comes to mind. LeeAnne just wants to get married. Badly. And if memory serves right Rich seems content just living with her.
Brandi and Stephanie go out on a date night since Brandi no longer does so with her husband. They have lots of fun together and if they could be married to each other their house would have lot of pink and crystal. Obviously. So during their first bottle of wine they call Cary and ask her to join them. When Bryan goes out of town Brandi goes out and gets “white girl wasted.” When Cary arrives the other two are already drunk. She has some catching up to do.
Conversation turns to the new discovery by the drunk twins that Mark is Cary’s third husband. “The thought of three husbands makes me want to be a lesbian,” says Brandi ( I kinda agree with that one).
Carry admits she never had a bachelorette party (since her first two marriages lasted a total of 6 months) so Brandi and Stephanie come up with the brilliantly drunk idea they should throw Cary her first bachelorette party right now and go to a strip club. Cary relents. She was just coming for a cocktail.
“LaBare” is such an obviously awesome name for a strip club – not that I would go. No really. They walk in and the bouncer/owner knows Brandi and Stephanie. They are clearly regulars. Classy. The 3 moms are out of the house. Brandi is loud, drunk and Texas hooting at the strippers. Brandi then hits the stage (with very little pressure) and starts dirty dancing and goes “balls to the wall” (Cary said that).
Meanwhile Tiffany goes to LeeAnne’s house because she’s LeeAnne’s only friend and loves that LeeAnne pours a giant drink and is a fan of day drinking. Discussion quickly turns to last week’s mad Hatter poop hat debacle. Tiffany thought the poop hat was funny and LeeAnne needs to lighten up and let it go. LeeAnne is having none of it and says, “in Dallas you are guilty by association.” Tiffany correctly says “in LA and NY women wouldn’t give a shit.” Amen sister.
One morning a few days after the strip club Cary brings the kids to Stephanie’s house and the kids are going bananas piled on a kid’s motorized car which looks terrifyingly unsafe, but these moms are unfazed. “It’s safe, we live in a gated community,” meanwhile a horn honks. Brandi starts to cry to Stephanie, Bryan is upset Brandi went a little crazy at the strip club, so um, why did you tell him? Well I guess he would have seen the show. Wait until he sees the poop hat. Guess Brandi really is a bad reflection on her husband.
Hottie husband Aaron is singing and Tiffany is day drinking which she learned from LeeAnne. Apparently her husband had a huge record deal in in LA but he threw it all away to move to Dallas? I think she has him confused with Keith Urban because no man would toss away a HUGE music career to move to Dallas. Something isn’t adding up. Tiffany wants to throw a charity music event. Mix charity with Aaron’s music. He loves the idea and thinks she needs to expand their group of friends. Tiffany wants to hang out more with Cary, but Cary and LeeAnne do not get along. Does anyone get along with LeeAnne?
I realize I don’t notice what these girls are wearing because none of it is good. I’ll try to pay attention after this commercial break.
Tiffany and Aaron show up at Cary’s house so Cary can have her designer closet filmed to be on Tiffany’s blog/webisode. Cary’s husband Mark (the plastic surgeon) and admitted fashion wife picks out a lot of Cary’s clothes. He swears he’s not gay. But he kinda is. His fashion sense is impeccable according to Tiffany (I find it very loud) and he takes over the webisode. After the taping Mark learns it could take a week to edit, but he wants his own closet done next time. Now Tiffany wants to talk shop to Mark – specifically more about her non-existent turkey neck. They discuss this is Cary’s third marriage which she says is lucky #3. Tiffany has been married to Aaron for 11 years. They married 4 months after they ran into each other on the street.
Now Brandi’s mom Jana is in town. Brandi is upset her husband is mad at her and she also learns her mother lied to her about the reason she does not have a relationship with her grandfather (Jana’s dad). Brandi was told it was because he disowned her daughter when she had a baby at 15. Turns out it was actually because Jana sided with her mom during her parents divorce which coincided with the pregnancy. So in essence Jana lied to her daughter. Anyway, Brandi’s grandfather sent a gift and wants to meet his granddaughter. I see another storyline brewing. Bravo loves this kind of stuff.
Tiffany is back at LeeAnne’s talking about the blog shoot at Cary’s house and how fun it was. Tiffany is a peace keeper and wants to be friends with Cary and Stephanie, but LeeAnne doesn’t like that. LeeAnne feels she has to step in and teach them the “rules.” Then LeeAnne says she doesn’t like drama either, to which Tiffany says to the camera “LeeAnne saying she doesn’t like drama is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn’t like hookers.” That was the best line of this lame show.
Cut to Brandi and Bryan who are barely speaking. Brandi’s bad behavior is hurting their reputation (but remember she says she doesn’t give a sh*t what people think – maybe she should) and their marriage. She tells Bryan she has invited her grandfather to their house to meet her family for the first time. Bryan says he doesn’t even know his name (it’s John by the way). Wow. That was odd. Brandi and Bryan hardly know each other anymore and their marriage is obviously showing some huge cracks. Well grow up and act better!
Last scene, I swear. We are almost done. Cary and Stephanie are going out to meet LeeAnne (well actually they were sorta forced) for dinner. Cary is not looking forward to it because she knows they are going to get an earful about Brandi’s poop hat. LeeAnne feels it’s her civic duty to teach them the process of being in the charity “society.” LeeAnne says “respect is a really big thing to me,” and since Brandi is at least 10 years younger than LeeAnne she deserves some respect damn it! Brandi’s hat was the big deal of the event. It got a lot of press so Stephanie says, “isn’t that good?” LeeAnne says “poop was not appropriate at a charity event.” It’s now about respect and appropriateness. Cary isn’t buying her bully crap and says “don’t you have to be born into society? You are just a carnival kid.” The gloves are off. Stephanie wants to die but LeeAnne says “Mad Hatters is an older established event. Bow at me and I’ll bow back (what does that mean?). I don’t back down. I don’t give a f*ck. Your rep is who you hang out with.” Then she storms off. Well that meal went well.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the third episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. Tiffany (I liked her multi pearl and Chanel hat look for the charity event. Her makeup was rough though.)
Do you agree?
Until next week (if I can take it) drink up the Jesus Juice. Or was it Jesus Jugs? Whatever. Is anyone even watching this show?