I love a short week! Then the Real Housewives of New York comes on sooner. That makes sense right? I’m watching too much reality TV, obviously. It’s making me dumb (so my husband says). Anyway, this week’s episode opens back at Dorinda’s house in the Berkshires (in case you forgot LuMann and Bethenny were going at it over Skinny Girl). Now stay alert because this week’s episode is like watching a game of ping pong.
“It was you and I toasting about the Skinny Girl,” continues LuMann. “No it was my idea which I told you about and then you told everybody else we thought of,” replies Bethenny. To the confessional Bethenny says “Here we go, let’s go back on the delusional Skinny Girl rantor, hosted by Luann.” Then footage is shown from 2007 of Bethenny explaining her drink to a waitress. “If you invented every cocktail you sat and watched everyone else order, your entire blood supply would be fueled by vodka and tequila.”
Trying to change the subject, LuMann makes the mistake of asking Bethenny who she is dating. “When Luann asks you who you are dating, you enter the witness protection program,” says Bethenny.
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Bethenny moves next to Ramoaner at the table which is one seat away from LuMann and starts talking trash about LuMann in what Bethenny probably considers a whisper. “Hello, I can hear you,” says LuMann. Jules is looking really uncomfortable.
“You are so full of shit, we came up with this idea together? I’m so sick of your bullshit. You think I’m going to tell you who I’m dating?” yells Bethenny. To the camera Dorinda says “Bethenny is truly like a sniper, when she puts that red eye on your forehead, you’re done.” Then LuMann calls Bethenny out on having the same hair (I don’t care for it on either). They continue to bicker. Carol arrives and walks in hearing the fight and rolls her eyes and assumes John is there, but it’s actually LuMann.
“You’re going with her (Ramoaner’s) ex-guy Tom,” continues Bethenny. LuMann says, “They went out on one date.” Ramoaner is like, “actually it was 7.” LuMann says “I don’t care. You now why? Because it was before I met him so I couldn’t give a sh*t.” How convenient. “What happens before BL (Before Lu), I don’t care.” Did she really just say that? Yes. Yes, she did. Now that’s not very Countesslike.
Ramoaner says, “Luann is playing both sides of the fence, I didn’t know you went out with Tom. Oh yeah you did go out with him once or twice.” Then there is some discrepancy whether the “Girl Code” was actually broken between LuMann and Ramoaner. Are you keeping up?
Carole says to the camera, “I know Dorinda put this sleepover together. But if I knew Luann was coming I would have stayed home. I do not need to put myself in a situation where I am feeling uncomfortable.” So Carole and Dorinda go to her appointed bedroom and Carole says “You and I have a thing. I adore you. You went to London to get my late husband’s ashes with me. We’ll always have that. Do I want to spend a whole evening with Luann? Absolutely not.” Dorinda nods but to the camera says, “At this point it doesn’t matter. Just man up, it’s 24 hours.” She’s right. “Luann is always looking out for Luann and I don’t want you finding out the hard way. The way I found out,” says Carole to Dorinda. By the way, for the first time this season I don’t like what Carole is wearing. Baggy pants and a grey sweater. Meh.
Bethenny is now dishing about LuMann to Jules when she overhears LuMann talking about how Bethenny’s hair looks like hers. Not one to leave it alone Bethenny tracks her down and lets her have it. They may punch each other! This is getting good (you KNOW Andy Cohen is all up in this mess). “Are you getting laid right now or are you not? What’s the problem?” asks LuMann. “You’re making up for all of us, but I’m doing OK,” retorts Bethenny.
So what is it you don’t like about me?” LuMann asks Bethenny. Bethenny replies, “That you pretend you’re something you’re not.” LuMann says “I had you the whole summer at my house in the Hamptons (actually twice) and I’m really shocked at your attitude towards me.” Bethenny yells, “It was MY friend who was at the bar (at The Mark) when you got on (Tom) and said “it’s my turn now” to the guy Ramona was dating. That’s bullshit. You’re not a girl’s girl. Then Luann says “you’re not a girl’s girl.” Bethenny stands up and yells in her face, “What man have I ever slept with? What young 25 year old did I ever f*ck and then I give my friend sh*t about it? You are a hypocrite. You f*ck EVERYONE and you pretend that you don’t. I don’t care if you’re the biggest whore in Macy’s window, but you pretend you’re appropriate. I’m calling you out on your sh*t because nobody besides me has the balls to do it!” You are a slut a liar and a hypocrite…and a snake.” Wow!
“How dare you stand here and point your finger at me. I should have stayed in the city,” says LuMann. Yeah right, and miss this airtime on the show? I don’t think so. Besides a whore, she’s a camera whore more.
I don’t know how this went from slumber party to slaughter party,” says Jules (is someone feeding her these lines? There is NO way so is coming up with these on her own). Dorinda is upset that Bethenny is not being considerate to her, the host. “I had visions of sugar plums dancing through my head.” She has a point, but come on, there are no sugarplums with THIS crowd.
LuMann says under her breath, “But the hair cut is like mine Be-otch. Ug, piece of sh*t.” Bethenny says to the camera, “What are you…single white drag queen?”
Bethanny admits she lost her mind and needs to go lie down. “Saying what I said to LuMann made me feel like a constipated person that took a giant sh*t. I felt some relief but it’s embarrassing, I’m at someone else’s house (and I just clogged the toilet – kidding) and I just called someone a whore. Maybe it’s past MY bedtime. By the way, it’s about 5 pm at this point.”
Carole asks Bethenny,”Why do you get so upset about her?” Bethenny replies, “Because I have a part of me that can’t deal with bullshit. This is why I don’t go to lunch with ladies who live on the Upper East Side (meanwhile Dorinda is standing there and lives on the UES).”
Jules is outside calling about her father and LuMann and comes out to smoke a cigarette and immediately begins to vent about the scene that just took place inside. Screw Jules and her family issues, it’s all about LuMann .What? Listen Jules, get the hell out of there and go be with your dad. I am beginning to see very clearly that LuMann is very narcissistic. Then Dorinda comes out and LuMann is all “thanks for defending me!” Dorinda says to the camera, “it’s not my job in my home to defend her. These are big girls. LuMann says, “You need to back me up or I’m leaving.” Dorinda right then and there should have gone and gotten LuMann’s bags and called her a cab, but she didn’t. Well that’s what I would have done.
“Poor Dornida can’t have a normal party! She should not get in to hospitality.” Bethenny jokes upstairs with Carole.
Bethenny walks around a corner and hears LuMann and Ramoaner talking about her and Dorinda’s cake from her mother which reads “Happy Birthday Dorinda” and LuMann says, “See? I was right, it IS her birthday.” For Dorinda, LuMann pointing out the cake was the proverbial icing on the cake and she looses it! She is pissed and tells (well yells at) everyone they have permission to go home. It not even 6 pm. LuMann has really stepped in it this week. Ramoaner is like “suck it up LuMann!”
They try to calm Dorinda down, but the comment about the birthday cake from her mom is too much, it’s “sacred.” LuMann suggests they play charades. Just shut it LuMann. Why don’t you pretend to be a selfless human being?
So what do they do? They open gifts because that makes complete sense right now?! That should be good. Jules brings games, which according to Dorinda is very Asian of her.
“I am no stranger to people trying to claim what’s mine and you know what? It doesn’t work out well for them,” Bethenny says to Carole. Carole and Bethenny conclude neither want to spend time with people they don’t want to be around. I think they are going to make a break for it. I would.
Carole says to the confessional, “With Bethenny I agree with the message but how she says it sometimes, well, uh, there are different ways to get your point across.”
At this point Ramoaner’s dog Coco is sh*tting all over Dorinda’s house. It is a shit show. Literally.
Now to Sonja who thinks her girlfriends are up in the Berkshires having a fabulous dinner and drinks decides to go to Lexington Medical to get her vagina resurfaced (for free for the publicity I’m sure. I’m pretty positive Sonja doesn’t even pay for her own groceries. she certainly doesn’t pay her “interns/indentured servants). She also has “trout mouth” but she thinks her vajayjay needs to be lifted. Say what? This is all a conversation I really don’t want to hear so I will do us all a favor and skip past this part.
Back to the Berkshires, now Bethenny feels bad about decimating LuMann “Funny thing is that I like her, I enjoy her sometimes. I feel so bad now.”
Carole is now talking to Ramoaner who she says looks hot, “You need someone with a fun life and some cash to bankroll it. It’s not going to be Tom.” Then Carole says, “Do you know Luann invited me to her holiday party? In what world do you call someone a pedophile and then invite them to your holiday party without so much as one conversation? I feel like everyone in the house feels awkward and uncomfortable EXCEPT for Luann. Which is astounding.”
Carole and Jules hide in the closet to eavesdrop on Ramoaner telling LuMann she needs to apologize to Carole for calling her a pedophile. They are horrid spy’s BTW. “Be the bigger person and apologize,” says Ramoaner.
Bethenny now asks Dorinda “Can I ask you a question? In your gut what do you think is going to happen with John?” Dorinda says “Yes, he thinks we will get married and have 12 babies together. To tell you the truth I’m not sure I want to be with anybody for the rest of my life.” Bethenny totally gets that.
Ramoaner meanwhile says, “LuMann never owns up to anything. I am trying desperately to show her what she did to piss off Bethenny. She’s so dumb she doesn’t even remember what she says.” LuMann stammers “She misunderstood what I said! But I heard you say it!” Finally a light bulb goes off and LuMann sees she implied she invented the Skinny Girl which set Bethenny off. Der. McFly. Well at least Ramoaner is proving herself to be a peacekeeper which is the shocker of the episode.
Both Carole and Bethenny receive apology texts from LuMann at the same time and laugh their asses off. “This is who she is, totally superficial, She is not to be trusted,” says Bethenny.
Finally it’s dinner time and LuMann has changed into a lace, glitter black tee and Dorinda is wearing a non-color like beige (but she looks good considering she is enduring a nightmare as a hostess). Dorinda asks LuMann, “So what happened with Ramona?” LuMann says, “So Ramona is talking about Tom and this whole thing and she said he took her out to dinner and that was it. And you know what? This guy happens to like me better than he likes Ramoaner and THAT is the problem.” And then she smirks.
Back upstairs Ramaoner (who looks great by the way) is looking upset, but LuMann says to the confessional, “Ramoaner, will you stop already? I know you like Tom, but it’s not happening. Tom likes me. This is exactly why I didn’t tell the bitches.”
Dorinda says “When I introduced you to Tom he was dating a lot of people.” LuMann says, “I know. He plays his game, I play my game. My plan now is to enjoy myself. I’m having a good time. I’m not sleeping around. And who is she (Bethenny) to judge ME by the way. Hello? Do I look into who she’s doing and who she’s screwing? And who she’s stooping? I don’t do that. I don’t even know how to say that.” To the confessional LuMann says, “She’s (Bethenny) is so deeply unhappy that I think it kills her to see me happy. Why is she so interested in my love life? She tries to take John down, she takes Sonja down and now she’s after me. What is she on a mission to ruin her friends? Everybody?”
Turns out Bethenny is on the other side of the door and hears everything. She enters the kitchen “Is this part in the apology you sent me by text? This whole little monologue?”
The house of horrors is shown again with the words TO BE CONTINUED. The Berkshires is apparently a 3-part series.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 9th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. Bethenny
2. Jules
3. LuMann
4. Dorinda
5. Carole
6. Sonja
7. Ramoaner
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”
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