The Real Housewives of New York City is the gift that keeps on giving. This week’s episode opens with Dorinda and Jules shopping at the Jonathan Adler store presumably on Madison Ave on the Upper East Side. Dorinda admits she got her secret Santa, Bethenny, a vibrating thigh master. Jules has Ramoaner so obviously the events of the last evening (the scene at the designer party) come up. Jules left to protect her face (?) as she hates loud voices and confrontation. When they see each other tonight, Dorinda’s plan is to just stay away from Ramoner. She has written her off. “Maybe Ramoaner just wants to sleep with John.” (I spit my drink out on that one). NOBODY. WANTS. TO. SLEEP. WITH. JOHN!
Next scene is at Bethenny’s apartment where she is getting ready for her Secret Santa/Holiday caviar party. Carole is actually the first to arrive. Ramoaner walks in with her own Pinot Grigio, but insists on a Skinny Girl margarita and a glass of water as well. Since when fid she get 3 hands?
Across town roomies Sonja and LuMann meet for drinks at Hunt & Fish Club to discuss the scene from the previous night. Remember – LuMann bolted when that drunk ex of hers started accosting her. Sonja admitted she goaded him. It took a full minute for LuMann to come clean he was a lover. Ew. (I like LuMann’s white cape by the way). “nothing is making sense here. He is more than a one night stand and a nightmare in the making,” says Sonja (wearing again a black turtleneck and pearls). “That’s the problem, I dumped him, he got pissed off and last night he would NOT leave.”
Now back at Bethenny’s – Romaoner (in an ugly cut sleeve red top) is relaying the same story, only from her perspective so this ought to be good!” I was chitchatting with Sonja and there was this tall gentleman there, I met him with LuMann because I think she went out with him for a while. The next thing I know Dorinda’s John says “you have to leave!” and John starts putting his hands in my face to push me out!” It scared me and I was like “please don’t put your hands in my face.” He tells me to leave now! He’s all sweaty and red in the face. Anyway, then Dorinda comes and she’s all freaking out and now she’s mad at me.” Jules has a whole other perspective. She was there. “There was a tall drunk guy.”
Back to LuMann and Sonja – Sonja saw it this way: “your boyfriend was flailing around John had his fists up, Dorinda was sobbing, and Romaoner flipped a switch and went at it and the whole place was this (tiny) big!” LuMann says, “Ramoaner is always the first one to throw the stone at a glass house.” Keeping up? They are bummed out it’s all chicks at the bar and no hot guys, so it’s time to leave.
Dorinda shows up to Bethenny’s (I love Bethenny’s black cape dress thing and Carole I noticed looks like an elf in red leather pants and a white sweater) and all is quiet while Bethenny greats Dorinda, but Jules is DYING to finish her side of the events of evening prior. Doridna is wearing black pants a a gold sequin sweater. Jules is wearing a cool black velvet top with a giant evil eye necklace (smart choice). Dorinda is fearful to walk into the room where Ramoaner awaits. Bethenny feels for Dorinda and says “I think you need some time alone.” (I think Dorinda is on her way to seeing that John can’t protect her and she’s not happy – as was predicted from the medium. I digress. Bethenny says “You need to calm it down and take time to love yourself and don’t accept anything less than you deserve, whatever that means.” To the confessional Bethenny says, “it’s very obvious Dorinda is very afraid of being alone.” Ding, ding, ding! You nailed that one sister!
Meanwhile Roamoner is in the other room helping herself to a giant heap of caviar since nobody else is eating it. Especially Jules. Ramoner yells to Dorinda “there’s caviar!” Like last night didn’t happen. Dorinda says “she’s going to feed me with her love.” Uncomfortable much? “I’m going to pretend nothing is going on between us. Everything is fine and honky dory,” says Ramoaner. Carole looks confused. We all do.
Apparently Dorinda is having the gal pals up to the Berkshires to celebrate the holiday season since she likes to decorate. This is going to be good. I mean BAD. I smell I giant disaster. Alert! Get out! Don’t look into the light! “I’m going to make my famous lasagne and I’m not having Sonja come up,” Dorinda tells Carole. “I’d rather not sleep under the same roof as LuMann,” replies Carole. “Please don’t tell me you aren’t coming,” says Dorinda. “I’ll protect you from LuMann and you can protect me from Ramoaner.” Then Dorinda and Ramoaner eventually speak and Dorinda says “maybe our relationship has changed to which Ramoaner replies “f’ you I’m not going anywhere,” which makes Dorinda laugh. They will always figure it out. Again, they hug and all is good. What is it with these two?
Secret Santa time! Bethenny obviously loves her vibrating thigh master! “You can work out and get off at the same time!” howls Dorinda.
Next scene opens in the morning at Casa Morgan (Grey Gardens) where LuMann picks up black strings off Sonja’s bathroom floor (they were her underwear). Why do I feel these two are in college? “Hunt and Fish was more of a clam bar than a sausage fest,” Sonja grossly says. LuMann has been sneaking off to see a “Mystery Man” and Sonja wants to know who it is. “It’s intense, I really like him so I got home VERY late. I did the walk of shame,” replies LuMann. “I’m dating this new man, his name is Tom and he was introduced to me by Dorinda,” LuMann tells the confessional. “Since we met we have been inseparable. Some of the women know him including Sonja, but I’m keeping it under wraps because I don’t want the women to judge me.” Now I read that to mean some of the other women have dated him. LuMann and Sonja have to wear furs over their negligees since Sonja won’t turn on the heat which makes me chuckle. “Oh my God! We are on Page Six!” exclaims LuMann. The entire truth is actually told in Page Six (who would have thought that?) and LuMann learns her roomie also got thrown out of John’s party.
Sonja and Dorinda meet on a street corner on the Upper East Side, and Sonja as usual looks a little worse for wear. Dorinda loves Sonja’s red fanny pack and says “I want to bring the fanny pack back.” NO! Please don’t say that out loud. Dorinda actually looks good in her tight skinny jeans and her long draping sweater, leather jacket and giant shades. They discuss Sonja’s changing friendship with Ramoaner. “I was going to do this whole 3 day thing in the Berkshires. I decided to have everyone else up for dinner and then do a one on one with you because I know the other girls might gang up on you.” Interesting way to not invite Sonja. Sonja concedes, but she’s blown away. She doesn’t get it. The smoking gun is Bethenny so it looks like she’s picking sides here.
Now it’s time for dinner at Empire Steak House and we get to meet LuMann’s new man Tom! Dorinda and John are there (I actually love Dorida’s dress for once) and so is Jules and her midget husband and of course I love what Jules is wearing (a sliver dress number). Everyone is dying to meet Tom – he’s the main event. LuMann planned this dinner for her “true friends” who will support her relationship with Tom. Er, what? So there are some couples there we don’t know and that don’t matter to RHONY. They are just scenery. LuMann and Dornda start going through Ramoaner’s nicknames for Tom (the Apologizer, The Ramonacoaster.) Tom seems surprised and Dorinda explains, “Ramoaner can literally do a drive by shooting of you and while you are lying there dying she will say ‘I think I need to be a better person, I’m working on it, I’m sorry.” Which is funny and true. Tom said “she’s real and humble.” Wait what? Turns out Tom went out on a couple of dates with Ramoaner, but there was no love connection. Oh THIS is going to be good!
Then LuMann goes on to tell the story of how she was introduced to Tom by Dorinda. “I’m in my garden is Sag Harbor and I get a call form Dorinda.” Tom cuts her off and says “there are two stories, let me tell you the truth. So I’ve known Dorinda for a couple years now and I flew up from Palm Beach and I ran into you (Dorninda and sweaty John) at a party and you said, I have to introduce you to my friend LuMann and with that she hands me the telephone. It’s one of those awkward situations so on the other end is this sexy sultry voice. The call lasted maybe 7 seconds.” Then Sweaty John says “let me ask you a question, did the air feel moist?” The whole table looks at him grossed out. What a schmuck. Anyway, they’d talk, but dated other people and right before Thanksgiving they started dating and have been inseparable ever since. “Tom is very special to me, so I wanted to protect that,” says LuMann. My eyes are getting misty (not moist). Dorinda just knew they would be the perfect pair. Dorinda nailed it!
Off to the Berkshires! Dorinda loves Christmas. It’s her favorite time of the year! Ramoaner brings her dog Coco. Dorinda says her home in the Berkhires is my sanctuary. It is calm here. Coco poops on the floor immediately, which goes unnoticed. Ramoaner is figuring out who LuMann is dating because she has heard rumblings. “I introduced them last summer,” says Dorinda. “I think it’s uncool that LuMann knows I dated this guy and hasn’t sad anything,” says Ramoaner. I can’t blame LuMann for one second. Who wants that assault?
The other girls start arriving just as Dorinda notices the poop. “It’s very prophetic, she’s spent the last month treating me like shit and now her dog is treating my house like shit. It’s full circle!” Jules and LuMann show up and Ramoaer gets a sour look on her face. LuMann says, “I’m looking forward to the weekend with the girls, but I know there is going to be drama. I mean Carol and I are not cool. In fact, we have been uncool.”
Jules says, ” I just found out this morning my dad is in the hospital with pneumonia and my nanny quit. I feel like I’m losing myself.” Um, why are you there??? If my dad were in the hospital I’d be by his side, not filming for Bravo. Priorities people! She’s so dumb she doesn’t even know where they Berkshires are. Are we in New York? Lord help this poor silly girl.
“Sonja is so upset,” says LuMann. Her feelings are hurt. I would never leave my hostess. Dorinda says, “I stand behind my decision.” Bethenny would eat her alive. Ramoaner goes on about how Sonja needs to be around people who don’t drink that she can trust. Bethenny arrives looking great. “You match the mantel!” Bethenny says to LuMann’s who’s giant turquoise statement necklace actually matches the mantel. “I may match the mantel but someone’s hair is looking just like mine,” LuMann says to the camera. Good one. “Isn’t the guy you’re seeing the guy Ramoaner used to date? I know who it is,” says Bethenny stirring the pot. “I’m not telling,” replies LuMann. To the confessional Bethenny says, “the Upper East Side is the size of a sesame seed. Everybody knows everything. I was on a date and I saw Ramoaner on a date with this bald guy and Romoaner told me I’ve been out with him a couple of times and I think he’s cute and fun. Now Tom is dating LuMann. He’s like the new Harry Dubin.”
“I’m looking for a place, but I’m not finding anything I like and I feel like Sonja needs me right now. I’m trying to mentor her” says LuMann which Bethenny finds hysterical. “That’s like the blind leading the deaf! You don’t think that’s funny? Well you don’t because you are the movie. I’m just watching it.” LuMann says, “you’re the only one laughing by the way.” Bethenny says to the camera, “that’s rich! You’re telling me your Sonja’s mentor is like you telling me Courtney Love is your mentor. Christ almighty!”
“Well you guys obviously have issues with this whole Tipsy Girl or whatever, retorts LuMann. “I don’t care. It was a joke,” says Bethenny. “A joke? It was written all over the New York Post yesterday that your suing her for trademark whatever,” says LuMann. Bethenny calmly says, “I’m no suing her. I’m not remotely worried about the brand of this product. She was trying to get one over on me with a name that similar and be cute and get press about it and use me to get press. You’re (about Sonja) are trying to pretend you have this international lifestyle brand and all these businesses and you pretend you don’t know they sound similar? Pick a lane. Are you smart or are you stupid? Call it Stupid Girl I’ll have more respect. Call it Drunk Girl.” LuMann says “don’t be so mean.” Bethenny says, “I’m not being mean. I was the first person besides Diddy to do this. That’s the truth. Aside from the fact it was your idea. (They high five). LuMann says “yeah, we had fun, you ran with it baby and good for you.” Bethenny deadpans “No it wasn’t your idea. It was a joke. But you said that it was to everybody.”
LuMann says “No. It was you and I toasting about the Skinny Girl, remember?” “No it was my idea that I told you about and you told everybody you thought of it,” says Bethenny. “We were together when you said it.” The table looks stunned and horrified.
No! Don’t leave us hanging! To be continued…
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 8th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”