This show could be renamed the Real Divorcees of New York except for Jules who is truly married (for now) but is a complete ditz. She can’t make coffee and is disgustingly thin. Her parenting and cooking segments are pathetic and boring. Doesn’t her husband know by now she can’t make coffee? “My husband loves me as long as I put the effort in. Morning time is family time! There’s not enough of me. My life is being the mother to three children.” Whatever. Until the nanny takes over. Honey, the only way you are getting back for another season is if you either go to a hospital for an eating disorder and they can make a story around that or if your husband cheats on you and even that didn’t help Kristen Taekman. Moving on.
Bethenny (in her thigh high stilettos) is buying herself a birthday present at a jewelers in the Meatpacking District. “Treat yourself, don’t cheat yourself.” Damn straight sister. You’re rich as shit now. Dorinda meets her looking horrid in another grey top (stop wearing grey) and they drink champagne. It’s probably 11 am since we just saw the scene of Jules getting the kids off to school. Talk turns to Ramoaner disliking Dorinda’s creepy boyfriend John. Carole shows up late to the jewelry bacchanalia and discusses her 2 hour lunch with Ramoaner where she didn’t draw breath. “Raomoaner never met a story about herself that she didn’t like to tell, and tell, and tell and tell.” Bethenny replies “sounds like a crystal meth lunch.” – thanks I just spit out my wine again.
Some other great Bethenny one-liners:
“I’m scared because every time I get invested with Ramoner I get burned” and “You Nair his back? I’m going to vomit!” That one was about Dorinda defuzzing that ape of a boyfriend and now I’m going to vomit too. Can’t the guy afford laser? Jesus.
LuMann and Sonja are getting closer. Probably because they were not really filming with the rest of the crew yet because they were holding out for more Bravo money. It’s so obvious from their absence at all the other “group” functions. I digress. LuMann (who is dressing a bit better this season) says she was married 16 years and in a long-term relationship with Jacque and is a hopeless romantic and wants to get married again. She spent a lot of time with Bethenny over the summer but now Carole has replaced her and “climbed up Bethenny’s ass.” Pleasant.
Sonja “saged” her kitchen. She is out of her mind. Her townhouse is becoming Grey Gardens, but instead of feral cats she has interns everywhere.
Dorinda (the now appointed new apartment inspector) is checking out Ramoner’s new pad. Well she didn’t actually move from Park and 82nd, but she cleaned it of all signs of her cheating ass ex Mario, so it looks like a new apartment. Dorinda admits she is thinking about having John move in when her daughter moves out. Then she can Nair his back forever. That’s true love.
The girls need a reason to get together so Dorinda decides to throw a bra fitting party because “60% of women, don’t know their correct bra size.” Actually it’s more like 80%, but we can talk about that another time.
Carole and Bethenny have become so close they can wipe mascara off each other, say the other has spinach in their teeth and all that other stuff BFF’s do. Both look great at lunch by the way. In fact, I kinda want to be invited to go with them. I feel like I would fit in. While discussing Carole’s young boyfriend she admits to Bethenny; “I have 5 good summers left” I think she means her body might fall to shit in about that amount of time. Hell, I think she’s lucky it looks this good so far! That is such pressure dating a much younger man, Jules should only know that kind of pressure. Carole is not thrilled LuMann has been talking crap about her on social media. But instead of punching her in the vagina the next time she sees her, she admits she would just politely ignore her.
Bethenny observes “When LuMann gives you something it has a string attached, It doesn’t feel natural – very calculated.” She leaves messages with her new soundbite “Don’t be uncool.” Bethenny goes on to say “LuMann will hold a grudge and it will come out at some time. The thing about LuMann is she thinks she’s a good person but she’s really not. I’ve never seen someone so clueless about who they really are.” Very astute. Then she adds the zinger, “This is the summer of zero f*cks!” Can I get that on a t-shirt please? Wait…Skinny Girl probably already has one.
Bethenny phones Romoaner before the big bra party and Ramoaner tells Bethenny she is going to tell Dorinda about some crude remarks Hairy John made to some women involving Viagra, Dorinda and 6 hours of sex (the mental image is nightmare inducing). Oh no Ramoaner don’t repeat the Vigara story to Dorinda. It’s not going to go well. But I’m sure the producers are saying DO IT! Bethenny tells Romoaner, Dorinda is trying to sell John to everyone and is always making excuses for him so they will like him. That ain’t gonna happen. His crudeness shines through.
Now for the bra party! Jules looks great. Droinda is wearing a giant skull tank with leather leggings which I should love, but don’t. I’m sadly not crazy about Bethenny’s red, white and black moto leather jacket. Are we going to hear all of their bra sizes? Lord help us all. Jules and Carole finally meet and Ramoner introduces them as “skinny meet skinny.” Carole’s like, I’m not that skinny That’s eating disorder territory.
The women doing the measuring don’t really measure, they eyeball the size and are usually correct (I’ve had this done before actually). They are all eyed up for sizing and are told to write down what size they think they are. Carol is horrified she wears a 28 which she considers a training bra.
LuMann isn’t there so they all start trash talking her and discuss and how she is shifty. Then Carole and Ramoner start arguing when Carole makes a comment about her talking too much. Well, Ramoaner, you do!
Dorinda has to throw in the Bravo TV mandated line (I think it’s in everyone’s contract) “at the end of the day!” And adds “let’s not pretend.” Bethenny takes this opportunity to dig in to the no pretending thing with Dorinda. “You feel the need to sell us on John.” It pisses Dorinda off and she loses it and the f-bombs start dropping big time. “I chose him. Period. Done.” Then Ramoaner who never catches a social clue stupidly brings up the Viagara thing (Bethenny thinks “Abort! Don’t poke a bear at the zoo.”). Dorinda of course does not believe John would ever say such a thing. Maybe Dorinda and John REALLY do belong together. She acted like a caged animal. Oh boy. This is getting wonderfully ugly.
Ramoaner broke Dorinda’s heart. Are we sad? Hell no, we want to see this continue next week. The only sad part is – we have to wait a whole week!
The order of fashion sense as of the second episode (and this is subject to change per episode) is:
3. Bethenny (she lost points for that moto jacket)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”