So when does this show wrap up? Because I’m starting to grow bored of it. This week of The Real Housewives of New York begins where we left off last week…on the party bus headed to Mohegan Sun for a night of gambling and debauchery. Or so we had hoped. They walk into the hotel a little drunk and enter the “Royal Suite” which has enough bedrooms for everyone. Of course Ramoaner takes the best room for herself since she’s the “hostess” and Bethenny and Carole room together because that’s what they do.
While Bethenny is unpacking she tells Carole she’s glad she’s now cool with Sonja. Sonja meanwhile asks Jules how she is doing with Bethenny to which she replies, “She’s a hypocrite. She has a skinny girl brand but is bashing a real skinny girl?” That’s actually a great point, but Jules honey, you are emaciated. She resents Bethenny is making her look like a sick patient.
Bethenny and Carole both think Dorinda stirred the pot when they look back on Jules’ outburst (if you can even call it that) at that dinner, because nobody knows where it came from. Jules says to the confessional “Bethenny is not the same friend I had when I first connected (confided in her) she’s off with me know and I don’t feel the connection and that’s another thing that led to the (fight at dinner).” She says to Sonja, “Someone who says they know everything about eating disorders would not act this way towards somebody in recovery. So maybe it’s not healthy for me to be around her.”
The girls put on their finest mini and sparkle dresses (mostly black) and head to the hotel restaurant ‘Bello.’ Bethenny is so happy she and Sonja are friends again. It’s also probably helping that Sonja is a much better sober person than a drunk. Bethenny says, “Listen, I love a whack job. It takes one to know one.” Sonja turns down wine and sticks to sparkling water. I’m in shock. “I don’t feel the need to drink. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to drink,” she admits to Bethenny.
We also learn at dinner that there was a “step aerobics” class on the party bus and that Dorinda used to be a step instructor…that explains so much! Bethenny then claims she can do a headstand anywhere. She then proceeds to do one in the restaurant because why not? Meanwhile I’m thinking, is that a good idea from someone who is supposedly bleeding out of her vagina? What if blood rolls down her head?
Then Ramoaner starts complaining that nobody answers their phone anymore. Sonja says, “Case in point, I tried calling Luann tonight and she hit “decline. She doesn’t even answer my texts? How busy can she be? How much sex can this women be having with one man?”
Now it’s time for the blackjack! The girls surround the table and Jules calls her mini-husband to make sure he deposited money into her account. Sonja is having fun being crazy (yet sober) with Bethenny. But Bethenny cuts out early because she is NOT lady luck this evening. “When I was broke, I loved to gamble because what’s another $1500 on your credit card that you can’t pay? But once you become successful, if you lose $50, it makes you upset. See there’s no upside.” She’s exhausted (ill) anyway and leaves. Now Jules comes alive! Carole (with a classy toothpick in her mouth) is doing well so Sonja and Ramoaner head off to make trouble leaving Dorinda, Jules and Carole at the table. Sonja and Ramoaner find a club and dance like fools (no they look like fools). Sonja says “I’m fun when I drink, I’m fun when I don’t drink. If I have to not drink to show these girls that I’m just as wacky and zany not drinking, this should shut them up.” Trip is over. That was sorta lame.
Adam brings Baby (the dog) back from a walk to Carole’s. She reads him an email from her agent in response to their cookbook proposal. The agent says it sounds “adorable” and commercial enough to sell. But Carole is concerned because they are not working so well together. If they do sell the concept, it would take another year for the book to come out and will they still be together? She’s confident enough to be an adult and promote the book with him even if they are no longer together as a couple. Carole says to Adam, “You know what I think about all of this? I look around and I see no one has really figured it out. Ramona – her husband of 25 years leaves her for some girl. So that wasn’t her forever. Dorinda, she has been dating her boyfriend 4 years and they still see each other just twice a week. And Sonja is 52 and she still has friends with benefits!” Wait, She left out Bethenny and her 4 year long divorce process and LuMann’s whirlwind engagement. “I feel like we are the most normal, happiest couple of the group which is ironic because they gave me such a hard time about the age difference.” Great. And now you two are the most boring couple on the show. Like soozefest boring. “Let’s go back to how happy we are on a scale of 1-10.” Oh Carole, don’t do this to us. She says they have to say the number they are thinking at the same time and be totally honest. She says 8 and he says 10. And I’m still bored.
Ramoaner is at a boutique and trying on a fur vest she will either try to get for free or walk out the door and “forget” to pay. She also lets us all know that she is trying on a medium and supposes it will work, but she normally wears a small. Of course she needs us to know she’s a size small. Her extensions are looking extra curly this evening. Sonja enters wearing some crazy wrap that she tells Ramoaner is reversible “I wear it in Staad.” Why does she always say she travels to Staad and why goes that annoy me? Talk turns to the trip to Mohegan Sun and what a success it was. The best part was Sonja and Bethenny making up . Sonja says, “what’s most important is that we still have feelings for one another.” Say what? Did I miss the lesbian love affair? Ramoaner says, “I wish Lu was with us too but maybe the next time we go away she’ll come with us. I told Carole that all the girls, that it would be really nice for us to organize an engagement party for when Luann comes back. Maybe Tom will come so we can like toast them.” Sonja looks at Ramoaner like she is crazy (which she is). To the confessional Sonja says, “I would never in my right mind want to host this party. It’s just stepping on her toes and her moment. Because she wants us to be BL (before Lu). I think if she could rid of us both right now and invite us back alter for the 5th anniversary, she would!” Sonja sees how odd this all is, but Ramoaner is as usual OBLIVIOUS at how messed up this is. Ramoaner then tells Sonja she texted LuMann and she wouldn’t answer so then she told her she was then going to text Tom (oh no, ABORT). “I wanted to do the etiquette thing so I texted Tom.” Say what? Sonja says,”Wait, etiquette thing is that you DON’T text Tom, another woman’s man.” Sonja is of course correct, but it’s too late, Ramoaner already did it! “I needed to reach her,” was Ramoaner’s justification. LuMann doesn’t want to talk to you! Get it??? Sonja says “I always have to explain it to her “DO NO TEXT THE EX DATE THAT’S ENGAGED TO LUANN WHO I WAS BONKING. JUST DON’T DO IT.” Oh to be as clueless as Ramoaner.
Now to Bethenny’s apartment where she is taking pictures of Cookie and her assistant Julia is helping her pack in Bryn’s room for their upcoming ski trip to Aspen. “I’m so blessed (to be loaded) so I can say to Bryn, I want you to get to learn how to ski. I didn’t get learn how to ski. I was gambling in Vegas.” At 6? Assistant Julia tells Bethenny “We have her enrolled in ski lessons but you can’t really do anything active at all.” She also has to remind Bethenny to take her meds right there and then. “I keep forgetting to take my pills and I’m a little nervous about the altitude for me. As long as I can get through the trip without bleeding (by the way she is saying this while wearing white pants) we’re OK.” Then Bethenny tells the camera, “Bryn will tell anybody anywhere we are that Mommy bleeds when she pees.” She doesn’t understand why, but she knows her mother is not well. Julia tells Bethenny she thinks she is too sick and should not travel. “We all think you are in denial. You are sick,” says Julia. Bethenny is ignoring it because she does not want to disappoint her daughter. Bethenny is NOT taking the advice because they picked out the clothes together. That’s that. Where are Bethenny’s priorities? I get not wanting to disappoint your kids, but health comes first. Also, why is Bethenny always wearing white pants if she bleeds all the time? I just noticed her sweatshirt says says ‘Good Girls Are Boring.” Hmmm.
Now to Le Chat Noir on the Upper East Side where a waiting Dorinda (wearing a white turtleneck and yellow sweater – where does she get these clothes? From her 7th grade closet?) tells the waitress she is waiting for Lady Ramona and is going to steal some Splenda because she is out at home. Ramona and her extensions enter the room wearing a huge fur underneath is a tacky black mesh sweater and tank top. Did we just go back to 1984? I’m serious. Ramonaer says to the confessional, “I’m about my 4 F’s. Food, Fashion (that one should be FAIL), Fitness, Finance.” Was she asked a Miss America question? Ramoaner tells Dorinda that she spoke to LuMann (she left out the part about texting Tom) and that she wants to do something for her about her engagement. Dorinda says to the confessional, “I have no idea why Ramona thinks that she should be throwing Luann an engagement party. I think I should be the one to throw the party. I am the one that set them up and she feels most comfortable with me.” Dorinda has to explain it to Ramoaner and her thick head that LuMann is not comfortable with a woman that used to date her fiancee throwing the party. It makes perfect sense to everybody BUT Ramoaner and now she is incensed. She thought she and LuMann were all good. They may be but that does not mean you should throw her the party. Argh! It’s weird. So now Dorinda has to pussyfoot around it.
So now to Jules who has not a clue how most people live hires a $2,000 potty trainer. This is for two days of work. This potty whisperer claims it will take her only 2 days to train her daughter Rio. Of course Jules has to mention she broke her vagina. The potty trainer and the nanny look at Jules like she is nuts. Does she always have to talk about her vagina? How about the elephant in the room? Like her skeleton frame. Now she asks the trainer if she can teach her 3 year old daughter how to light a match after a poo poo because she lets them rip. Jesus Jules. Really? TMI. Oh and it gets better. She then asks the trainer how do you wipe? Front to back or back to front because she doesn’t know. I think we have figured out why Jules has vaginal problems. How does an adult women not know how to wipe properly? Is this even OK for reality TV? Oh and I hate the star sweater Jules is wearing, but the blue tile in the bathroom is pretty cool.
Now to the engagement dinner at private room back at Black Barn (remember that awful holiday party where Bethenny ran out before Sonja could corner her?). Same place. Ramoaner is the first to arrive wearing one of her boring black tank mini dresses. LuMann clearly wanted Dorinda to host the dinner for just the girls, just to clear this up. Dorina arrives next and I love her sleeveless black tux outfit. Jules arrives next and then Sonja walks in with Wellies sticking out of each side of her Birkin bag. Dorinda asks “How do you disgrace your Birkin bag like that?” She probably brought them in case she needs to wade from the bullshit which will be coming down in buckets shortly.
All the women are wearing black and all all order a dozen oysters for themselves. Apparently Ramoaner is out every night and oysters make her feel frisky. Of course they have to plan ANOTHER trip since this last overnighter went so well. So instead of Mexico, Dorinda (or Bravo producers) announces she has planned a trip to Hawaii! All the women get leis to celebrate their upcoming trip to Honolulu. Jules looks terrified. Carole arrives to get a lei. Now the conversation again it turns into who has slept with Tom. “Can I help it if my 3 degrees of separation goes to these guys every time?” Sonja says to Carole. Dorinda says, “It doesn’t matter, they are engaged now.” Carole says to the camera, “If anyone deserves to be married now it’s Luann. She’s a better woman with a man than without one.” And Carole oddly seems to be the only person besides Dorinda who is genuinely happy for LuMann. “She’s a little competitive with women and aggressive with men and has finally found her place,” says Carole who brought LuMann a gift.
LuMann breezes in late in jeans and is ready to celebrate her! What else is new? “Tonight is all about celebrating MY engagement. This is my night and I hope the women are there to celebrate me.” LuMann can’t wait to show off her ring! It’s a massive canary yellow emerald cut diamond with two emerald cut diamonds on the side. Of course Sonja is not impressed because it’s “murky”and too big (8 carats). Jealous much? I have to say it’s not really my cup of tea either but whatever. LuMann is happy and loves being the center of attention.
Carole gave LuMann a heart crystal which means a lot to LuMann.They toast to Lu’s happiness. Sonja says to the confessional, “Luann is dying to be married. I just want her to be sure because I know Tom and I just never thought of him as the marrying type. I’m sorry.” Upon learning the girls are all going to Hawaii LuMann says, “I have not been away from Tom the last three months.” They want to wait until New Years to get married.
Sonja looks annoyed by it all (but she’s sober and says) “Now we have to wait until January? That’s too long!” It’s true, LuMann could not WAIT to be engaged, but can wait on the wedding? I would have thought she would have raced him down the isle in a New York minute. Sonja says, “by the time we get to New Years, Luann could be engaged to another guy!”
LuMann makes a toast to the ladies which Ramoaner tries to hijack. Typical. And Sonja keeps insisting she’s not jealous.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 15th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
5. Dorinda (Tux outfit great, turtleneck one, knocked her down though)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”