Note: Sorry it took me so long to get this one up, but it literally took me 4 hours (which I didn’t have yesterday) to watch and rewatch this episode to catch everything (and the quotes) that was going on. I woke up early today to finish it. Put your seat belt on.
Watching this season of The Real Housewives of New York, I have come to two conclusions. One, Sonja Morgan is a whore. Two, LuMann is a bigger whore. If she did in fact climb on top of her future husband while he was on a date with his girlfriend of three months (holding hands no less) and left with him that evening (did he just leave his date at the bar?) then that is horrible and so NOT very Countess-like. In fact, I dare to say it is very “See You Next Tuesday-like.” If you are one of those suckers who bought her book “Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair” I’d either demand your money back or light it on fire. Those two obviously deserve each other. How disgusting.
I digress, but feel so much better getting that off my chest. So back to the restaurant where LuMann has just walked away from the table because she thinks the bitches are not happy for her and her weird whirlwind romance/love. On her way out she runs into Dorinda and Jules coming back from their smoke break (people still smoke in 2016?) and they try to talk her in to staying. LuMann says, “I’m in love and you know what? I’m not wasting one more minute with these women.” Good! Is she leaving the show now? One can only dream. Dorinda said “Luann shows up out of respect for me, but she sometimes has a misconception or perception of how she’s being viewed with these women and therein lies the problem.” Very astute shit-stirrer Dorinda!
Ramoaner asks Dorinda “What did you say to Luann that I don’t have her back?” Dorinda answers “I said you said that you think she is back to her old mold of being the Countess, which you said and if Luann were here I’d say this…that she has separated herself from the group and that all of us feel she is not being present.” Meanwhile Ramoaner is paying her no mind and texting LuMann an apology. Bethenny interjects, “No. We have a history with her and we have a history of a decent amount of bullshit. And a lot of “I’m so wonderful, and I’m the Countess and everything is great and I live in a townhouse and I’m a millionaire.” Then Bethenny notices Ramoaner isn’t paying attention and texting. Ramoaner reads her text aloud before she hits ‘send’… “I’m so sorry you are feeling bad, we are all happy for you.” Sonja says it’s a Band-Aid and Bethenny says it’s bullshit and that nobody believes that (least of all LuMann). “Ramona has diarrhea of the mouth and she wants to stick that Jack in the Box back in,” says Bethenny. Carole says, “I just can’t believe Sonja – you get around.” Sonja smirks, shrugs her shoulders and says, “I wasn’t looking to marry Tom. My relationship with Tom was very discreet. Over the years we kept it on the down-low in certain, quiet Upper East Side locales. When he wasn’t with a woman and I wasn’t with a young man we would touch base. That’s what grown ups do.” Maybe horny adults. Oh, these hussies.
Jules says “Who cares? Let her be happy” Carole says “That’s what friends do. They talk about their friends when they are not here.” Jules says “Well that’s a problem.” Carole disagrees. Jules is a bit taken aback. She thinks it’s fine if it is out of concern, but not mere gossiping for entertainment value. But, Jules, honey, that’s the whole premise of these reality shows. She is clearly NOT cut out for reality TV. “It’s not OK, to talk about a friend behind their back. If you have a problem with them, you say it to their face.” Um, yeah…like that ever happens on these shows, or come to think of it, real life. Have you seen the movie ‘Mean Girls’?
Bethenny says, “I’m happy she’s happy. That’s fine, but the last time I had drinks with her I was bleeding out of every part of my body and she didn’t ask me one thing about me and she didn’t let me get a sentence out.” Jules then says, “But the same thing with you. You never asked me…I had a problem. I went through my own shit.” Bethenny says. “I don’t know what you are talking about right now.” They then go through old texts and I’m now all confused. Jules is hurt Bethenny didn’t ask about her vaginal problems? Oh Lord. Bethenny says to the confessional, “What do you want me to do? Sit outside your house with a boombox and serenade you and your vagina? I texted you. I have my own vagina problems!” Well don’t we all? I mean seriously. This topic from the show has made me reflect on my own vagina. NOT.
Jules says “This is really stupid.” Um, yeah it is. Bethenny says “stupid is as stupid does,” which really sets Jules off! “I am really sick and tired of you portraying me as stupid. I can’t, I can’t. It’s not nice Bethenny.” Bethenny says, “But you baked a fork, knife and a measuring cup into a calzone that I ate.” Jules thought it was funny and didn’t matter because she didn’t eat that part. “Your sense of humor is on other people’s expense! My sense of humor is on my expense because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. You make fun of other people because you don’t care about their feelings,” says Jules. Bethenny says to the confessional “OK, my sense of humor revolves around laughing and saying funny things and YOU, you (Jules) are a a self-depricator. So you opened the door. Plus you have a lot of things to say about everybody else. About them being old (camera on Carole and her fish lips), so I’m not even buying any of this bullshit.”
Jules says, “I don’t have a means bone in my body. (Bethenny says she agrees) I have been very open and honest and genuine with everyone. With my eating disorder, with my marriage. Respect that because I trusted you and you went behind my back?” Bethenny seems shocked. “When did I say anything behind your back?” Jules says “You never said anything negative about my marriage?” Bethenny is like, what? What have you heard? She says “Either Jules has an eye twitch or Dorinda Meddler is whispering into her ear.” Bethenny then says, “First of all I said how much I like Michael (your tiny cheating husband) a lot and have I talked about your marriage behind your back? Honestly, I don’t really think so.” She turns to Dorinda and says “You ought to cop because I want to know what I said about her marriage.” Sly Dorinda says, “Well I don’t know exactly but I think there is speculation that their marriage isn’t doing well, that her eating disorder…” Bethenny says “Well someone told her (Jules) that and she keeps looking at you.” Oh Dorinda is in the hot seat now! She sure likes to stir the pot (or has producers whispering in her ear, Hey, I watch UNreal).
Dorinda attempts to talk her way out of this mess. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Then the eating disorder (elephant in the room) comes up. Jules tears up “Don’t talk about me behind my back! I may be very skinny, but I love my body. If you are worried about me, tell me to my face. That’s the reason I that I’m open about it. I’m not afraid because maybe you see something I don’t see.” Oh don’t say that honey. You will be in intense therapy for years if these gals have at your raw meat.
Bethenny explains “I have been distant from you because I grew up with this my ENTIRE life.” Jules tries to add a sympathetic comment and Bethenny cuts her off and rudely says, “I am going to speak now. You don’t get to be the only person who speaks OK?” I find that laughable since it was really the first time we ever heard Jules really speak in full sentences and yet I heard a lot of Bethenny’s voice. I actually now feel badly for Jules who just rolls her eyes but keeps quiet like an obedient dog.
Bethenny says “It’s a dishonest disease. It’s about lying all of the time and lying to everybody. I know you too well that I stay away because I don’t want to get involved. I’m allowed to protect myself.” Jules says “As you should and I’m not taking that away from you.” Bethenny yells, “DON’T YELL AT ME for anything (Jules wasn’t yelling, calm your ass down)! We are not best friends. I have been respectful to you, I’ve said you’re a nice person, I’ve been nice to your husband, I like both of you, I haven’t said anything bad about your marriage.” Jules says. “I’m done. Calm down now.”
Bethenny says to the confessional, “I have experienced first hand someone with an eating disorder and when Jules became friends with this group (came on the show) it’s like a bank robber moving in with an FBI agent. It’s reminding me of my mother. It was the worst, traumatic childhood because of this. This was my whole entire childhood.”
“Bethenny, let me finish what I was trying to say,” says Jules. “I live on the fine line of an eating disorder. OK? And in one second I can have a bad day and I have my slips all the time. I’m not going to lie. (Sounds like this girl is still deep in the woods here). Three days ago I threw up my food.” Carole and her fish lips look as sad as they can considering her face does not move much. Ramoaner says “Oh Jesus.” Jules says, “It’s not Jesus, it’s my life. And respect that I’m saying this. It’s humility OK?” Oh man, she s fragile. Jules says to the confessional, “Bulimia is with you forever, It’s a big part of my personality.” Oh my God. She doesn’t see she is still sick. This is really terribly sad because she says if she can move on from a slip up it makes her strong. No. It just makes her sick and in denial.
Dorinda says the girls, mainly Carole and Bethenny, are mean about Jules’ eating disorder. “I don’t know about eating disorders, but I do know about denial” says Carole. Then the camera focuses in on Jules’ untouched dinner. Bethenny says to Jules, “I’m still upset with you.” Jesus Bethenny, show this sick woman some empathy and lighten up on her and stop making it about yourself. Jules says,”That’s fine, it goes both ways.” But now we all know this is not a fair fight. Jules cries “Put yourself in my shoes. I was about to die!” Bethenny says to the confessional, “I have tried to be as respectful as I possibly could particularly with how it relates to me (did she just say that?). She just came at me and I didn’t like it and um, now. Shut off.” Bethenny, you are truly being a bitch now, I was on your side, your hommie, but now you have crossed a line. The bitch line. Get some compassion. Or make a Skinny Girl version and sell it.
So then oblivious Ramoaner comes up with the brilliant idea to do another event while everything is crashing down. What a shit show. “Dorinda, I am gong to host another party and then maybe it won’t be jinxed.” Is she high? So she (or the show’s producers) wants to take everyone to Mohegan Sun where they will have suites and a Bobby Flay restaurant. “We are going to leave Tuesday morning and we will come back Wednesday morning.” 24 hours of pure unadulterated hell! LuMann can’t come because she will be in Aspen. “Who would have thought I’d be the one to lighten things up?” says Ramoaner. Oh nobody honey and we still don’t buy it.
LuMann meets Ramona on the street the next day on the UES to discuss how she didn’t have her back the previous night. They both express their disappointment about the prior evening. “Ramoaner says “How can you even question if I have your back when I was the one who has been getting you in the good graces with Carole and Bethenny?” LuMann says “then why are you talking smack about me with Dorinda and the girls about me? Yeah, Dorinda told me. She told me you are not my friend. And you know you have not been a good friend to her either so let’s be honest.” Ramoaner says to the confessional “Dorinda should know by now I’m outspoken, I say what I feel, but just because I say something that may not be the most positive thing about you, doesn’t mean I’m not your friend.” What is wrong with these people? Did she just say that? What an ass.
LuMann says, “We are at the dinner table and all you do is talk about how you dated Tom. You know what? I’m in love. I’m getting married again. I mean why can’t you be happy for me?” Romoaner says, “You’re in lust right now. It takes a full year, 4 seasons to really get to know someone. It doesn’t take 4 weeks!” She doesn’t understand why they are rushing this. Why are they rushing? Marriage is a meaningful commitment (until your husband cheats repeatedly) in Ramoner’s eyes. LuMann says. “I married my husband (with whom I) had two children two weeks after we met. Because I know when I know. Maybe you don’t have that gift, but I do. So guess what? I know that Tom and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. I will go to my deathbed with this man, OK? So don’t judge me. It’s none of your business OK?” Oh my God is LuMann delusional! Does she even know how she sounds? We are all judging her for rushing so quickly. Wait until she finds where he has the bodies buried. LuMann continues, “Like I said last night, it’s BL which is before Lu. You stirred the pot.” LuMann is truly and sincerely the most narcissistic person I have seen in a long time. And like Bethenny knows eating disorders, I grew up with narcissism. So I feel I can say this with total conviction.
Then Ramonaer relays the whole story about how two close friends of hers were at the Mark Hotel and saw Tom on a date and well, I covered the rest above. “I was shocked. Luann broke the girl code and she’s lying about it.” LuMann doesn’t care. She chalked it up to dating. “He took his hand away from her and put it on me and we left together. He’s a man and I’m a woman and we do what we want.” What a BITCH! “You don’t steal a man away form a woman. A man leaves willingly,” says LuMann. Was that tidbit in her book you think? I’m pretty sure that is not proper etiquette.
Now to Carol’s apartment where Adam is making food for her friends. By the way, I’m getting sick of Adam and his Chia Pet hair. Their love story bores me. Then Dorinda arrives over wearing beige again! Can someone tell her that non-color washes her out! “Since dating Adam my kitchen is getting all of the action!” says Carole. Then Bethenny comes over and is still bleeding and now has a UTI. She was told she needs to slow down and eliminate stress. Carole says, “It seems like Jules was really going after Bethenny. Because everything she said could have been directed at me.” By the way I don’t like Carole’s cropped sweater over a tee. She’s too old for that look. Dorinda is meddling again. “I think she was just trying to make a statement and it got turned towards you,” Dorinda says to Bethenny. Carole thinks if Jules thought she and Bethenny were talking badly about her behind her back she should have gone to them quietly instead of screaming across the table (I swear Jules was not screaming, she was just emptional). So she didn’t accomplish anything by alienating both Bethenny and Carole.
“I have treated Jules like a piece of glass because I don’t want to be anywhere near it. I think she’s a little paranoid because she told me several deep dark secrets about her marriage and thinks I have shared them which I would NEVER.” Carole adds, “In her anxiety about explaining her eating disorder she said, she’s still in it.” Dorinda says, “It’s obviously a very sensitive topic and she talks to me about it as if it’s something she dealt with in her past and it’s still something she’s dealing with day-to-day and nobody else has been able to talk to her about it.” Bethenny says to Dorinda, “I want you to know I have never confronted her, brought it up or said anything to her face. I have said to Carole that I feel uncomfortable and I’m just trying to keep my distance. But I stand by it.” Bethenny continues (wearing a great brown leather jacket by the way), “I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t want her to come up and say to me ‘can we talk?’ because I don’t want to get into another Sonja (situation). There is no turning back from this happening.” I think Bethenny is being a little too harsh on Jules. “I’m not mad at her, I don’t hate her, I don’t need for her to apologize, it’s just nothing.” The food arrives from Chef Adam and I have lost my appetite that Bethenny has written this poor sick women off.
Now we move on to Sonja’s town house where she is throwing a dinner party for Dorinda and her skeevy boyfriend and Jules and her cheating husband. Yikes. Apparently she loves having an elegant dinner party. For some reason her townhouse looks so dirty to me I don’t think I could eat there. Sonja is setting the table and trying to figure out the seating with her borrowed butler Patrick who works for Sonja’s brother-in-law. Jules set up Sonja’s date, some Italian dude named Rocco. This is a blind date. Imagine throwing a dinner party and you don’t know who your date is? M-okay.
“I usually don’t use the crystal because the interns break everything.” Did she really just say that about her FREE labor that abusing has to be breaking a few dozen laws? So the guests start to arrive and Sonja has to show her apparently stupid interns how to use her antiquated door buzzer system. “That’s why they are INTERNS. They are there to listen and follow directions (and serve me and wash my behind) and maybe, how to entertain (men at night),” Sonja says in a very slow and condescending way. Jesus.
Dorinda and gross John show up and Sonja makes her grand entrance wearing all black, a black fringe wrap and carrying a small black Dior bag because doesn’t every women carry a purse in her own home? Then Jules and cheating Michael are at the door and she is upset with him because he was 10 minutes late getting home and had to take a shower. Cheating again? Thne Rocco appears. I just then notice all 3 mean are wearing black velvet dinner jackets. Anyway Sonja makes her grand appearance (again with the purse) to meet her date and of COURSE they already know each other (because after all it is the UES where there are about a total of 20 single people over the age of 45, but didn’t realize it was that Sonja and that Rocco. Anyway, Sonja is thrilled and Dorinda noticed their body language and comments it’s like the dance of the peacocks. Jules is very proud of herself and is sure Rocco is getting laid tonight. I’m pretty sure she’s right. There is talk about the giant 200 year old napkins. Rocco thinks it’s special and appreciates the privilege. The privilege will be all Sonja’s in about 3 hours when the date ends in her bedroom.
Of course talk turns to the dinner outburst at Bethenny. Dorinda commends Jules for finding her voice (confronting Bethenny) Dorinda does that apparently, encourages women to stand up for themselves. “Boy did you unload some feelings!” Sonja says to Jules. Sonja can’t understand why Bethenny can’t be around or support Jules because it triggers her? How selfish. For once I agree with Sonja. “I’ve never met a girl with so many problems with so many women and I’m just wondering maybe SHE has some issues. I’m not a therapist, I just have a gut feeling,” says Jules. Ding, Ding ding. “Bethenny and Carole broke my trust and I will never tell them anything personal again.” Yet Jules is going to still go to Mohegan Sun even though it might be uncomfortable…which we know it will be. Ultra uncomfortable. Like having a UTi in 100 degree heat.
The luxury party bus for Mohegan Sun is stocked with booze and food and ready to do! “OMG, the lines are out!” says Dorinda as she arrives. Jules is like a ficus plant in the corner to Bethenny…she doesn’t care she’s there. Sonja whispers to Jules she just had surgery on her teeth and is on some laughing drug. Bethenny says, “I like it when fun Sonja comes out! She and I can riff and laugh and make fun of ourselves and so that is the part I do miss.” The bus pulls away and Sonja flips her tooth out and makes everyone laugh which is at this point, very much needed.
There is a definite tension between Bethenny and Jules, but then they toast to LuMann being engaged which they learned through the press. The headline reads “See her 8 carat diamond ring!” Oh barf. LuMann obviously alerted the press she was ENGAGED.
Ramoaner says to the confessional “I am totally happy for Luann. As a friend I am concerned she doesn’t know him well enough, but if she wants to jump/plunge in with both feet, God bless.” Dorinda says, “The ring is beautiful (Lu sent her a picture of course) it’s like an 8 carat canary yellow diamond. Old school.” Sonja shouts. “8 carats is NOT old school, 4 carats is. I’d say 8 carats is a little nouveau!” Zing Sonja!
Jules and her Michael Jackson red leather jacket moves within earshot of Bethenny (texting her cheating husband I’m sure) and easily hears Bethenny talking about her to Dorinda. “Like really? Two feet away from me? You think I can’t hear you? Or maybe they want me the hear them, but why?” asks Jules. Well Jules, because it’s very mean girls. I want to know way Dorinda is wearing grey again!
The vibe between everyone is beyond weird on the bus. However, Bethenny takes an opportunity on the bus ride to apologize to Sonja and says, “I feel bad about everything that happened. I really genuinely do, like it’s impossible, it’s so hard not to love you. And it breaks my heart when you came to my office, I was so hurt. I wanted to be constructive but I became like an animal and I’m sorry that happened.” (this all starts on when Bethenny points out she has the same makeup palette as Sonja. Door open). Sonja replies, “Thank you, that means so much to me. When that happened I said I need to step away and give you your space. I had to figure out how I f^cked up. I knew I did something wrong (but I didn’t know what), so I said I have to step back and look at this.” To the confessional Bethenny says, “It seems like there is has been a shift in Sonja. She doesn’t seems so completely deranged. The vertebra is aligned where before it seemed out of whack.” To Sonja she says “I’m fine now, I think you’re a good person. We have all been through the ringer and you can be a little nuts, but so can I. I think you have a good heart, I really do.” Sonja says, “I needed this with Bethenny. It’s like the weight is lifted off my shoulders.” For now Sonja, for now.
Next week. We drink and gamble.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 15th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”