After last week, I’m not really looking forward to this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City. I’m afraid we will have to suffer through a cat Bat Mitzvah or something equally insulting.
This episode starts when Jules walks into a restaurant called “Wild” and asks for a pillow for her cooch. Then Dorinda enters (wearing a hideous dog t-shirt) and asks how her vagina is. “All we need is a venereal disease, a DNC and a pregnancy and we’ve covered the whole vagina topic. There’s a lot of vagina problems going on,” says an uncomfortable Dorinda. We didn’t speak about vaginal problems in my house either, it’s cool. Keep them to yourself please. Bethenny enters in all black with a belated birthday present for Jules and thankfully ignores Jules when she tries once again to bring up her vaginal accident. You need a verb,” Bethenny says to Jules who again is tongue tied. “Why do you have to upstage my vagina? This is now the vagina monologues,” says Bethenny. Then Jules proceeds to show Bethenny the picture of her bruised cooch on her phone. Why? WHY? How is that EVER appropriate? Like who takes a picture of that anyway? OK, maybe a Kardashian, but come on! Bethenny says, “That’s a lot for a pizza place. I will never get that moment of my life back. I’m scarred for life.” Ramoaner walks in overdressed for pizza and makes a snide comment to Dorinda for being casual. WTF? Then Carole walks in looking city chic and on a side note, I love Jules floral blouse.
Bethenny laughs “imagine me bringing you” meaning Jules to the doctor. Which apparently hurt Jules’ feelings. “I don’t think Bethenny realizes what she says. She is very funny but I think that her humor is on other people’s expense.” Jules the word you are looking for is “at” other people’s expense.
Bethenny looks great in all black and starts to cry because she has no family, but was thankful Dorinda was there. All the girls chime in they are there for her. The women are now making their own pizzas. How fun! Jules asks Carole if she can put drugs in her calzone. “She’s f*cking crazier than I thought,” says Carole. Carole then comments on how Jules separates her food. “Can we get through one food activity and not talk about my eating disorder?” asks Jules. It makes her feel defensive. She doesn’t want to hear her weight at the doctor. She thinks she’s 115 pounds. Maybe with a wet towel and a fur coat.
Ramoaner leaves with her pizza to go on a plate because she has a “date.” How rude. Bethenny says “You’re taking a glass plate? Are you going to return that? It’s a pizza place, they have boxes! Do you want to take a salt and pepper shaker and a couple of wine glasses?” Jules goes out to have a smoke before the food arrives. “There is no way she ways 115 pounds, maybe Carole thinks she meant ounces!” Ouch Bethenny. Everyone watches Jules take a painstaking bite of her vegan cheese pizza and Bethenny says, “Jules presents her eating disorder as something she has gotten past. It strikes me that she is right in the middle of it and maybe not entirely dealing with it.”
Jules made a calzone she won’t touch. Wait, did she put the drugs in there? Bethenny eats some of it and then finds a a fork and a marinara cup! Bethenny is horrified. WTF? “Oh Bethenny, you have no idea what’s in my bag! I want to put my lydcocane, percosets, Adderal (and a whole long list of other drugs she apparently carries in her bag).” Jules is truly wacky or maybe it’s the mix of pain meds, alcohol and a lack of food. She takes Adderal? It makes you lose weight! She’s gonna die. Jules mentions she has a shrink and has nothing to talk about but just goes and has done so for years. Maybe she should talk…if she can put a sentence together. Jules tries to convince Carole she’s OK. She’s not.
Carole and Adam meet Heather and her husband Tom to go ice skating in Bryant Park. Carole has remained friends with Heather but doesn’t get to see her often since she’s “so damn busy.” After a bit of skating Carole and Heather go inside for a drink and talk about Adam and how the relationship has lasted a year and a half! Surprise! Carole talks about their cookbook and how hard it is to work with someone else. They can’t get past the proposal and there is a bit of an artistic difference. Heather suggests maybe they should put it on the back burner for a while. Then they start talking about Jules and how super sweet she is but she has odd behavior, eating rituals and her eating disorder. Did she sabotage her calzone so she wouldn’t have to eat it?
I’m actually digging Dorinda’s cape as she enters Jule’s apartment, but not what’s underneath when she takes it off. Dorinda asks “How was Carole with you last night?” Jules says “She was annoying.” Dorinda says “You should say, ‘You know what I think is weird? That you are dating someone 21 years younger than yourself.’ She shouldn’t go there!” Of course Jules didn’t say anything. Ouch! Jules is upset that Bethenny makes jokes at other people’s expense and that she was hurt by her comment. Dorinda tells her she needs to say something to Bethenny and she will be receptive…but Jules can’t put 2 words together! “Bethenny says nothing but nice things about you,” Dorinda says to Jules. Jules starts to dab her eyes, “Those stupid girls. Everything that’s going on with my Dad, my nanny just disappears. I break my vagina and I’m thinking to myself this just couldn’t get worse. I pull it together because I don’t want to disappoint anyone and be a good friend. And nobody takes care of me, you know? When I go into my (vagina) accident I was calling Michael (her husband) a hundred times and he wasn’t picking up the phone. It was 2 in the afternoon and he didn’t show up until 8pm.” Well, Jules he was cheating with his side-piece as we all know now. Then Jules says ”at the end of the day” which always kills me on these shows. Her husband is not around at all.
Bethenny is on her way for her pre-op for her upcoming fibroids removal but she has to wait until her bleeding stops. She wants her doctor to say no about exercising. Her driver “Dr.'” Kevin thinks she should be on bed rest because she is running around like a lunatic and it has to be cause and effect. He is like her family. By the way, if I were bleeding like that I would not be wearing leather or suede pants. Then again, she can afford to bleed through as many pairs as she wants.
Now to Sonja‘s house of horrors and she is dying her dog pink (but she looks orange) – doesn’t everyone do that? Jesus. She is going through her basement with her “interns.” “I’m definitely a high class hoarder.” Dorinda comes over to help Sonja clean out her basement. A basement in NYC is GOLD! Get rid of the stuffed animals! “I’ve been avoiding the basement since my divorce because I have a lot of memories (locked down) there, but now that my daughter as gone away to boarding school it has to be faced.” Most of her memories of her ex, her child and their family are stuffed in the basement like the stuffed animals. “It’s time to let your ex go or that family situation.” Sonja misses having a family. “Have you spoken to Bethenny?” Here we go again. Sonja sent her flowers. I’ve also noticed Sonja has a lot of Wesson oil. She’s the new Florence Henderson.
Bethenny is back in her car talking to her assistant on the phone and needs to find out if she has a living will and who her medical proxy is. It’s six days before her surgery. She will be in the hospital for three days and the recovery is about six weeks. It’s a lot more serious than she thought. She calls her BFF and says she may have to have her uterus taken out. Now she wishes she had some family and is lonely and is crying because she is scared. Kevin is like “Its’ all good, it will be all right.” Awe, we love Kevin.
It’s evening and we now cut to Jules and her mini-husband at Hunt & Fish Club and Sonja arrives in an ugly wrap and the MIA LuMann who has been hiding out on Planet Tom. LuMann decided to put this little party together since she has been preoccupied and “engaged to be engaged.” Dorinda shows up in a HIDEOUS silver sequin top with black sheer sleeves giving us Studio 54 realness. Jules’ off-the-shoulder is about to be X-rated – she’s so thin it’s falling off. Ramoaner arrives looking actually not half bad in a navy sequin mini dress. Who looks the best is LuMann with a surprisingly hip black biker jacket, a red lip, longer hair and a cool statement necklace. Jules has to again mention her vagina and LuMann lies to Dorinda and tells her she looks gorgeous (trust me she doesn’t). Love suits LuMann. She mentions her ex-husband is happy for her and she’s happy her soon to be new husband is a millionaire! The ex is probably happy we don’t all have to refer to her as the Countess anymore. Frankly, I’m really happy.
Sonja doesn’t understand how Tom and LuMann are a couple much less getting married.
Ramoaner decides she has to pull LuMann over to talk about the Carole situation because she is now the self-appointed “group mediator.” Ramoaner points out it’s interesting that she thought Sonja would be on the outs with the other girls but, “You are on the outs with the group, like Bethenny and Carole.” LuMann looks surprised “Do I look a woman that gives a flying leap? To quote Rhett Butler, Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. Give it up Singer!” She is getting nowhere. Ramoaner says “You fumbled the ball because you had no follow-through with Carole. She feels like you gave her a bit of a branch, but you didn’t give it fully.” LuMann responds, “Oh stop it Ramona! I mean how many times do I have to apologize to Carole, I’ve done it already? She starts dating my chef who is going out with my niece and I’m supposed to apologize to her? Are you kidding me? I’m in love and I’m getting married. I don’t care what Carole Razidwill thinks!” Ramoaner, just let it go. “I love you, but I’m done.” And LuMann is out.
Jules starts yammering about the girls bashing her and her eating habits, but I am over her and stop listening. Shut up Jules!
Then LuMann decides she is going to invite all the girls to Palm Beach (Tom’s house) but she’s not going to invite Carole and Bethenny and then see how they feel? Sonja will be invited however. So there!
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 13th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”