Well it’s official, the season that showed so much promise officially jumped the shark! This episode of The Real Housewives of New York was shockingly not only boring, but just plain bad. Two things become crystal clear while watching. One, you don’t need a husband to be RHONY, but you do need a dog. Two, the season was going to culminate around an assuredly toxic and drunken trip to Mexico (at least that was what Bravo banked on), but then the hostess of the trip discovered she had fibroid tumors and needed surgery and could not longer travel. Trip cancelled. Drama over.
While I feel badly for Bethenny, I feel even worse for those of us who had to witness a dog wedding. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m going to make this recap more brief than usual since I am so honked off we were duped and quotes will be minimal since little worth quoting was said.
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The episode begins with Carole and Baby headed to Milk Studio (where many fashion shows take place so I have been there often) on a rainy day for a dog wedding photo shoot. Only notable media celebrity dogs were asked to participate since it was for an animal right’s charity (I think). So clearly my old mutt Nigel Tufnel was NOT asked to participate, but Baby was of course in the bridal party. Carole looked a little chicer than her “hot mess” dog. Turns out Baby was not only soggy and ungroomed, but she was also not well behaved. I think Carole actually said the event was for the “creme de la creme of doggie social life, fashion people and celebrities.” Jesus. Baby is on her way. Only in NYC.
Now we head uptown where Jules and Dorinda are bathing suit shopping at Malia Mills for their upcoming trip to Mexico. Dorinda thinks she’s cool because she is wearing a ‘Spiritual Gangster” t-shirt. Jules of course says “I have one too!” So does everyone honey. They sell them at every gym in NYC. Of course talk turns to Sonja and her not being invited. Dorina comments that sobriety has been great for Sonja’s mental health and her looks. They agree the group has gotten very intense.
Now to Sonja’s UES Grey Gardens of a home. Ramoaner comes over and they wind up on the bed rolling around telling each other how much they love and miss each other. Ramoaner is thrilled Sonja is not drinking. Sonja knows she needs to clean up her act to get back in the good graces of the girls. “I want my old Sonja back!” They of course talked about Sonja not being invited to Mexico again. This is getting boring. So now Ramoaner is coaching Sonja to say sorry to Bethenny. Sorry, but that isn’t going to work. Romaoner keeps repeating just say “Sorry and forgive me.” “I plan to apologize to her at the dog wedding, but I’m a rambler and I get nervous. I open my mouth and my brains fall out,” says Sonja.
Back to Jules and Dorinda still shopping and they are back to talking about how Sonja and LuMann should be invited. “They should all grow up and get along,” says Dorinda. She also shares that Ramoaner only went out with Tom a couple of times and embellished their dating history. “Ramoaner can’t be happy for anyone else” says Dorinda. “I just want to a have good time,” pleads Jules. Dorinda smirks, “but did you get a little piece of it in the Berkshires?”
Now Carole and Bethenny are having a romantical drink together at STK (a restaurant). Bethenny looks fantastic in in a black and white tank top with black leather leather pants and 2 long gold chain necklaces. Carole is wearing a boring striped sweater with a mini skirt which seems a bit casual for the restaurant. Bethenny starts discussing how she is hemorrhaging and finally going to the doctor tomorrow because she is scared. Then Bethenny recaps the narcissistic and insane conversation she had with LuMann last week over a glass of wine. You know they one where she invited herself on the trip? Now she doesn’t want her there – period. “I could not get one full sentence in at all. I’m not inviting this bitch on this trip. I want grown-ups on this trip. I don’t want any ho-bag moments.” Now Bethenny has to tell her she is not invited. Carole says to the confessional “LuMann is always inviting herself to things she’s not invited to. It’s like Bitch stay home.” Bethenny starts to look like she’s fading “I feel drained. Maybe LuMann vampired me.” Carole responds, “she’s is an emotional vampire.”
Next we are at Jules’ chilly apartment and now we finally see Jule’s side business (come on, you knew she had one right? It’s the main reason any of these women come on these shows – to make bank). She is picking out the labels and packaging for her knew line of juices which she has been doing behind Michael’s back. Her partner Chloe does Lord knows what but the line of clearing tonics is called Modern Alkeme. Mini-husband is impressed. Now Jules gets to see the samples. I wonder if she will sell it and make millions like Bethenny? Of course they have Asian ingredients which are recipes handed down from generation to generation on Jule’s Asian side of the family (because Jews would never drink cleansing juices – I can say that, I’m Jewish, I just don’t repeat it every 2 minutes). “This is like she cheated on me,” says the mini-husband. He had no idea she was doing a business – how does it feel now? Michael starts making fun of Jules and she says, “You might ask for half of my sh*t one day…” Well that day is here. They are splitsville already.
Now Dorinda meets Bethenny at Home Goods. Wait, Dorinda and Beth show up at Home Goods? They actually shop there? Come on, how much was Bravo paid to get them to show up to the obviously empty store which was cleared out for filming.” Dorinda wants everything to change her apartment over. I just find it hard to believe Dorinda is buying things for her apartment like the rest of us schulbs at Home Goods. They now start talking about the trip and how Bethenny has to disinvite LuMann. Then Bethenny gets weak, flushed and is hanging over her shopping cart now and we are all concerned. Dorinda insists on taking her to the doctor appointment since she knows she’s alone.
Jules is talking to her dog Zoe who is going to her first dog wedding. “Good news is, we got a nanny! Bad news – the nanny doesn’t speak English.” However the look “Nuevo Nanny” shoots the camera you just know she thinks Jule’s is bananas. I don’t expect Maria to be there next week. Sonja and her dog both walk come over dressed in fur coats. Jules is wearing a killer menswear inspired white button down. “Zoe used to have a fur coat (of course she did) but can’t fit in hers any more because she has childbearing hips.” Anyway, Sonja came over so they could get ready for the dog wedding together using Priv services (they show up to your home to do hair and makeup). Jules starts talking about her vaginal accident (that’s all I want to say), but she wants to show Sonja pictures. What? Jules says, “Jules is an open book (or v-jay).” Sonja gasps when she sees the pictures remarking, “I’m concerned her husband will have post traumatic stress after seeing that.” Well maybe THAT’S why he cheated? Maybe he cheated with Sonja! hey, it’s not unfathomable.
Now to this ridiculous doggy wedding. I can’t. I just can’t. The bridal dog is wearing a custom Marchesa dress! I’m sorry…WTF? This mother of the bridal dog is on crack.
Back to Bethenny who has arrived home and is telling some of her assistants that she has female problems and needs surgery. “Lost 10% of my blood, I’m really anemic and low on iron and the fibroids are huge and I need to get them removed surgically. Dorinda is there apparently and says the fibroids grew so fast it’s like having a baby in there. She has three options, one of which is a hysterectomy – a shocker to Bethenny. That means no more kids. Honey, your are 45. Do you really plan to have more? Looks like the Mexico trip is cancelled. “Game’s over. Nothing else matters. I’ll tell the girls” assures Dorinda. “All roads lead to my vagina,” retorts Bethenny.
Toast & Finn’s dog wedding is the wedding of the year, but with dust pans. Someone called them “Puptuals?” I can’t even. Cindy Adams is officiating and I’m puking. “It’s a fixed marriage if I have ever seen one” says Sonja. The venue (The Highline Hotel) is much better than most real weddings, however. I can’t talk about this stupid wedding anymore. Although the girls look great. “I’m Asian so I take too many photos,” oh shut it Jules!
Obviously Bethenny does not make this ridiculousness and now Sonja can’t pitch Bethenny her rehearsed apology. Dorinda brings everyone up to speed that the Mexico trip is cancelled. Ramoaner is disappointed but understands. There are a lot of vagina problems in this group, not to mention dogs.
Since Ramoaner has to go return a bathing suit she walks up to the giant wedding cake that is untouched and cuts herself a piece! It was tacky and cringe-worthy. I know that wedding was stupid as all hell but who just cuts a wedding cake and it’s not theirs? I don’t care if it is a dog’s. Ramoaner, that’s who.
I’m so over this…
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 12th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
LuMann was absent this week. Even she knew to stay away from a dog wedding.
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”