The Recap And Fashion Drama of The Real Housewives Of Dallas Season 1: Ep 1

If everything is bigger in Texas why isn’t this cast? There are only 5 of them in this premier season of The Real Housewives of Dallas. Brandi, Tiffany, Cary, Stephanie and LeeAnne. After initial introductions, I now know why. More of these airheads would make me throw something through my TV. But this is just the premiere episode of a new city. It could get better. Right?

“We have the Cowboys and amazing fash-ion!” Brandi‘s life goal was to be a cheerleader. Oy. We have some rocket scientists in this cast. This one ain’t too bright. No like really dumb. She calls wine Jesus Juice.

LeeAnne goes vintage shopping out of the gate which rather impresses me, but she is the outspoken one. She is a professional charity volunteer. It’s her full-time job to attend 3-4 events an evening. She calls herself the mouth of the South because she grew up a Carnival Kid. It prepared her for life in Dallas society. Yes, she said that. She has made a job of drinking and attending charity events.

“Don’t wear black, black is out?” Say what???? Who said that? I’m sorry, what? I think the wind was just knocked out of me.

Cary is a nurse for her husband Mark Deuber who is one of the most sought out plastic surgeons in Dallas. “Dallas essentials are a great handbag, a great pair of shoes and you need a great pair of boobs.” “Boobs By Deubes.” “I weaseled my way in there (stalked) and he eventually hired me and now he can’t live without me.” This is her third husband BTW. She’s all of 40 (maybe I can’t tell). Good work.

Stephanie and Cary are BFFs  and the two of them have a combined IQ of 50 and a maturity age of 15. Maybe. How many dumb Texans does it take to program a garage door opener? There is no answer. This makes for fascinating TV. Yawn. These fakes laughs are starting to annoy me and we are only 10 minutes in. I don’t know if I can take this.

Stephanie isn’t bright either, but seems kind. She comes from a down-to-earth family and married money. She is also proud she can fart on command. She now lives at the Four Seasons…on a golf course. She’s goofy and thinks her husband wishes she was a real life Betty Draperl Don’t they all?

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Cary is planning a charity event for women with breast cancer in need of reconstructive breast surgery. “The more events you chair the bigger player you become and the more you are welcome into society.” Sounds exhausting. Real work with no pay and I wish it sounded altruistic, but clearly it’s not. It’s all about status and appearances, which is kinda gross really. By the way, I find LeeAnne’s giant necklace offensive to my eyes. After 16 minutes it’s obvious Lianne is the Queen Bee and shit stirrer.

One immediate fashion observation is everyone dresses REALLY bright in Dallas. Kinda tacky, but no worse than RHOC. The jewelry being sold isn’t like the jewelry On RHOBH (hundreds of thousands of dollar baubles) but the charity is just as important.

Stephanie and Brandi are a combined immature dynamic duo and LeeAnne is having none of it. It is serious ya’ll! BTW she lives in sin with a cop (Rich) who she calls ‘The ying to my yang.” I really can’t make this up. Between the two of them they obviously don’t have a lot of money. But she gets to live in that world and those uber rich people know her name. She worked hard to be known in society, and that’s enough for her.

OK, and Tiffany‘s husband Aaron is a hottie! He looks like the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls and Keith Urban mixed into one. He’s not only easy on the eyes but he took care of his wife and brought her back home to Dallas. She obviously did this show to give his fledgling music career a boost. It may just work.

Checking out each others clothes for the night’s charity event Stephanie and Cary wisely decide it’s smart to pre-grame and drink Jesus Juice before the evening’s festivities – and make fun of LeeAnne. “$50,000? um, hmm.” “She used the charity world to shine the light on herself.” OK, I admit, I’m not even looking at the clothes. I’m more stunned one of the women’s kids throws dog poop into the pool and Bravo thinks this makes for good television.

There’s 15 minutes left and I want to die.

OK, now there is a dinner at Marie’s house for the “No Tie Charity Event” (for people who don’t want to wear ties?) and LeeAnne is the co-hostess? I think? I don’t get how this charity B.S. works. But these people eat apparently. I mean, I see food going into their mouths. That doesn’t happen in LA or NY.

Brandi (please ditch the pink eye shadow) wanted the earth to swallow her when she was asked to do the mimic of LeeAnne. This is going to be bad. It’s very mean girl and Brandi so doesn’t want to go there. LeeAnne is taunting her to do it. Wow. It’s like a gun standoff at the O.K. Corral. She then calls her baby. The tables turn. There is some talk about feeling sorry for each other but I’m mesmerized by the high arched brows and pink and purple eyeshadow.

“I don’t judge anyone,” claims LeeAnne, but she really does. Now doesn’t she? Wasn’t sure I could watch this again, but then I saw the previews. Ack.

So far in order of fashion sense as of the first episode (and this is subject to change per episode):

1. Tiffany (because her husband is hot and she is honestly dressed the best)

2. Marie (but she’s not part of the real cast. She’s a side player).

3. Stephanie (at least her hair isn’t huge)

4. Cary (hard to tell because she was in scrubs a lot)

4. Brandi

5. LeeAnne

Do you agree?

Until next week (if I can take it) drink up the Jesus Juice. Or was it Jesus Jugs? Whatever.

 

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Photos: Bravotv.com

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