This episode of The Real Housewives of New York City is the third part of a trilogy I like to call “Dorinda’s Berkshires House of Horrors.” We left off (in case you forgot) with Bethenny walking in on LuMann in Dorinda’s kitchen talking smack about her. Lu, you are BUSTED! But I swear the women neither turns red nor misses a beat. I’d be dying.
“You wrote the song, Be Cool and you are not being cool, you’re not honest about the way you live your life. You criticize other people for doing what YOU do on the regular.” Bethenny says to LuMann. “Who do I criticize?” Did LuMann really just say that? The judgemental one? This is going to be good. “You criticize me for dating someone younger and you routinely date younger guys,” Carole retorts. “I don’t give a flying leap if you date Adam, or younger guys,” replies LuMann. Well we all know that’s not entirely true.
“You can’t admit who you are because of all your Countess bullshit. You’ve got to own your shit,” Bethenny says to LuMann. “Guess what? I own my stuff. So I date younger guys? Who cares?” LuMann replies. Carole is gobsmacked. “You admit you date younger guys but you tell me I can’t date younger guys. You said the most ugly things about anyone who has said anything about anyone here (about me).”
Meanwhile Dorinda is off picking out games like Twister trying to ignore the yelling in her kitchen. “So let’s put on our pajamas and try to have a good time.” She’s thankful Jules is there who agrees to try to pretend what is happening isn’t really happening. “It’s a shit show,” says Jules.
Bethenny rages on to LuMann, “You’ve got to hear this, it’s important. Women feel about you that you’re the woman who they would not want to have their man around. That is real.” “I have never stolen anyone’s man,” interjects LuMann. “Sonja says you have slept with half of her boyfriends!” adds Carole.
Back on the UES Sonja is talking with an “intern” about maybe ordering a holiday gift for her daughter on Amazon Prime? But then she would have to actually pay for it since I don’t think Amazon Prime gives reality celebs free accounts. This is causing Sonja great stress so she is going through her used and free crap (including half eaten granola bars) to pack her daughter a care package. She’s insane. You know she is unloading all the free crap she gets in the gift bags she grabs by the fistfull. She also decides to stop drinking so she can show the girls she can. Um-okay.
Back to the Berskshires. “You bring out something in me where Ramona is an example of a person who feels like she wouldn’t want her men to meet you.” LuMann says, “of course not. You know why? Because I’m dating the guy she’d like to date, that’s why.” Bethenny’s jaw is now hanging open. “I’m sorry but that is true,” continues LuMann. Carole says, “now that’s a girl’s girl. She is so high on her own delusion of her own self.” Then LuMann says “I didn’t know (about Ramoaner liking Tom).” Bethenny is having none of it, “That’s not true, don’t LIE!” Of course LuMann knew about Ramoaner dating her current boyfriend. The only reason she was probably even interested in him is because Ramoaner had dated him a handful of times.
Bethenny continues, “The problem with you is that women don’t trust you and they think you have sex with married men, and you cheat and you f*ck younger guys, and you criticize other people about the same things that you do and you act like you are holier than tho and that you wrote a book on etiquette which which is the most comical thing so you just have to know that’s what people think about you. You could say, I don’t give a sh*t.” LuMann responds, “no that’s not what people think. That’s what YOU think.” Carole (the calm voice of reason) says “no that’s what a lot of people think.” Delusional LuMann says, “That’s not true, I am loyal to all of my friends and Dorinda will beg to differ.” Dorinda has just entered the kitchen an is like, keep me out of this. “I want to light my house on fire right now. Burn it down,” she says to the camera. I can’t blame her. At the very least the house needs to be saged or exorcised.
LuMann says, “What is this an interrogation? And you’re picking apart little things here and there and you’re compiling a list and checking it twice (and have decided I’m both naughty and not nice) to take me down. Why?” Bethenny says, “I have fun with you, but you have to be the girl that doesn’t make up some sort of fiction that you came of with the idea that’s my life’s work! That was NOT a miscommunication you are just disowning it right now! And you can’t pretend you are mentoring Sonja now…that’s demented!”
LuMann gets choked up and croaks “I feel that if we exclude her and we cut her out (Sonja) that something bad is gong to happen to her.” Bethenny agrees with LuMann on this one point. “I’m really worried about her and I’m there because I’m her friend,” says LuMann. Dorinda now feels bad for LuMann, but for good reason Bethenny still wants no part of Sonja.
Thankfully its now time for lasagna (dinner) and Santa arrives in the ‘Nick of time.’ Upon hearing Santa’s high pitched voice Bethanny says, “I think Santa has a vagina.” Santa hands out wine glasses that hold an entire bottle of wine which is just what this group needs. Of course Ramonaers says “Ramoanercoaster” on it. “Next year she’s going to give out Skinny Girl enemas so we can put the alcohol right up our ass” says Bethenny.
“I’m done with all the pretending, being around with LuMann is depressing” and with that Carole leaves the table. She’s done.
LuMann says “my friends are my friends and I’m loyal until the end.” To which Ramoaner says, “You have a a habit when someone is with a guy that you feel that you need to get the attention also and move in on the guy.” LuMann says, “Um, can you give me an example?” Ramoaner says sure “Well I’ll give you a recent example. We were all out and a guy was flirting with me big time. I go to the bathroom and you move right in and sit next to him and (when I come back) I say you’re in my seat and you say it’s my seat now, sorry baby, go away. So please don’t go there with me.” Ouch. Score one for Ramoaner.
LuMann says to the camera (and I quote), “Does Lu like to flirt? Yes.” Bethenny says, “you are like a barracuda. This is pointless. The shit show needs to end. Even I can’t take any more.” LuMann is such a narcissist that even when the mirror is held up to her face she still doesn’t see reality.
The next morning the house is still standing and Bethenny has an ‘argument hangover’ she says, “I need a morning after pill.” Meanwhile Jules is in bed with Dorinda and claims she has had the best 24 hours of her life. Everyone packs and gets the hell out. Bethenny and Carole try to escape but decide they better go back in and say goodbye. A hug between Carole and LuMann is so UNCOMFORTABLE to watch! But it’s probably best they left. Dorinda says, “I love you for coming, but I love you for leaving.” The nightmare is finally over.
Back in the city we cut to to Jules‘ place. She has to cook, clean and take care of her kids! The horror. “How do people not have nannies?” Yes, she really said that. Now her father is having surgery. But what we learn from this scene is clearly Jules is useless in the kitchen and for the cameras she finally gets the coffee right for the first time ever. Her husband looks shocked it is actually drinkable.
Cut to Bethenny’s condo where Carole comes over for avocado toast. By the way, I am NOT digging her in her army green and the tent cut of Bethenny’s white sweater makes her look, dare I say…fat? They discuss the holiday party Ramoner is hosting that evening and Bethenny is planning on doing a drive by to avoid any confrontation or interaction with Sonja.
Ramoaner arrives at the restaurant where the party is being thrown and upon tasting a morsel of his food, immediately flirts with the chef who of course is married. She literally has no game. It’s pitiful to watch. LuMann arrives wearing a red, lace brocade jumpsuit from her “collection” which could just be the ugliest thing I have ever seen. The chandler (literally a chandelier from a ceiling) necklace is not helping the situation. Then add light brown suede booties and I’d say this is the worst outfit of the season hands down. Ramoaner is wearing some white with fur collar sweater which isn’t great but next to LuMann looks amazing. Carole arrives in on a red pantsuit and Bethenny looks really severe in a black jacket with silver crystal shoulder’s that look like armor (smart move). LuMann comes to sit on the sofa with Bethenny and Carole and I swear you can hear crickets…mixed with eye rolling.
LuMann finally gives Carole a deep felt (well for LuMann) apology. “I went too far, I’m sorry and I miss you as a friend.” It’s probably too little too late but Carole says “I appreciate you saying that.”
When Bethenny hears LuMann is really serious with Tom she says, “LuMann is like on dog years in relationships, Hi nice to meet you and here’s my wedding dress.” LuMann says. “It’s been about 3 weeks, but hey, when you know, you know.” Bethenny is now on the phone with her driver to come and get her when she spots Sonja walking in so she tries to hide. LuMann says to Sonja, “You have to talk with Bethenny and you have five minutes (before she leaves).” Sonja goes up to kiss Carole and they are basically wearing the same suit. Bethenny manages to escape avoiding Sonja and the other girls are not happy Sonja didn’t corner her. About this time Dorinda shows up in a silver sequin top looking pretty good. LuMann advises Sonja to just bail on the whole Tipsy Girl thing because of Bethenny. Is it worth their friendship? Well yes, because Sonja needs the money more than she needs friends. Dorinda again apologies to a hurt Sonja but still claims, “I did you a favor. Bethenny would have destroyed you.” And she is right. She would have dragged that carcass back to her den.
Sonja is hurt and flustered, “How do I fix this? By bothering her?” She then freaks out when other girls all start hammering her about Bethenny. Now Sonja is screaming. She is obviously confused about what to do because let’s face it, Sonja isn’t all that bright. She’s just pissed she was not invited to the Berkshires and her feelings are hurt. Yet Dorinda stands behind her decision to not invite her ‘out of love.’
Sonja starts to flip out, cries and leaves while shouting and basically making a spectacle. LuMann tries to calm her down, but is failing. Sonja cries, “the last time I saw Bethenny she said “I don’t want to see you!”
Carole says to the camera, “Sonja saw an opportunity to make a little bit of money and I don’t think she thought too hard (or at all) about Bethenny,” says Carole.
They toast the holidays and the great New Year. Yeah!
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 10th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”