Here we go! I’m ready for Bethenny’s fall birthday party in the Hamptons on the Real Housewives Of New York. It’s nice to see Cookie is still around. Husband out, dog in.
Anyway, the fashion this week is casual…which I love! That’s when I assume none are using a stylist and I really get to see how they put themselves together. This week’s episode centers around a BBQ in the Hamptons and a brunch in the Hamptons – in the late fall.
Bethenny is throwing herself a casual boots and jeans tailgate birthday party at her gorgeous Hamptons home in what appears to be late October or early November. Dorinda and John are staying nearby at Jules’ wreck of a McMansion. Dorinda thinks John is going to apologize to Bethenny at the party. (Why is she bringing him? Why does she invest in this guy? He’s a schmuck.).
Now to the party. Cookie meets Baby (yikes). Carole shows up (dressed in a tan leather jacket and embroidered jeans – she looks fab as always) and the smoker is a smokin’. Bethenny is wearing a plaid jacket and the worker boots we favored in the 90’s (very 90210). Bethenny now feels badly for Dorinda because how will she get out of explaining her boyfriend’s behavior? She also knows LuMann will show up because she never misses a party, but Carole doesn’t want to see her since LuMann slaughtered her at the last reunion and on Twitter. Carole’s plan is to keep a friendly distance.
Ramoaner brings her dog, a boy and a cowboy hat. She’s wearing a black and white plaid shirt (which was untucked and with her new bigger boobs made her look dare I say…big?), black jeans and a straw cowboy hat. Jules is apparently having a brunch the next day (Sunday) but Ramoner can’t go because Saturday night is DATE night…she also has a great exit excuse which will come in handy.
John needs to eat crow, humble his ass and apologize to Bethenny. That’s the plan, but he’s clearly scared to go in to the party. He’s happy staying at the front bar that’s serving Moscow Mules and spiked hot chocolate. Awkward. “We’re entering in to the devil’s pit,” he says under his breath. What an asshat. Jules says “He has no hope, it’s like bacteria in the Dead Sea.”
“Just go up and say “Hi”, Dorinda coaches John and Dorinda thinks (knows) John is squirming. Bethenny is surprised Dorinda would even bring John and if she did he should have walked up right away. But dressed like Winnie the Pooh, he’s too nervous. He should be…
So everyone is avoiding each other and gathered into clicks. The picnic table is filled with the mean girls and in coming at 12 o’clock – John is huddling. He tries to approach and Bethenny says “I just want to have fun. Cheers.” and takes off like a bat out of hell.
Oh and here comes LuMann! She’s finally joining the rest of the clan for the first time this season. Guess that Bravo contract got worked out. She arrives wearing her usual casual uniform of faded jeans, a leather jacket and a patterned button-down shirt…and a hula-hoop. Er what? Because every fun party needs a hula-hoop. Carole is rolling her eyes and says “The Countess has arrived” since she always has to make a grand entrance. And then LuMann hula-hoops. It’s embarrassing. “At least she can do it,” says Bethenny. There’s that.
John has been there 3 hours and still has avoided Bethenny which is making it even harder for Dorinda. She’s dying. Carole looks over at him and says to Bethenny, “He is misshapen and sweaty.” He is a schlub.
Bethenny knows her party sucks because John is lurking like Dracula with a cape and LuMann and Carole are avoiding each other. “It would be nice to clear the thick air with Carole,” says LuMann. Bethenny says to the camera “LuMann doesn’t get it and only remembers 5 minutes ago. She’s not taking responsibility for her actions or words.” She also says this party has all the ingredients to be great, but she hates her own party.
The party from hell is almost over and John still hasn’t spoken to Bethenny so he yells “Bethenny come here honey!” Nobody calls Bethenny honey. Again, what an asshat. “Don’t follow the tiger around the cage because I’m gong to lash out,” says Bethenny who literally runs from John. “Well, I tried,” remarks a defeated John. Now Dorinda thinks Bethenny is being a bad hostess. Well this party is a dud of epic proportions.
Ramoaner says “I can’t tell Dorinda to come without John. Why is everyone so jealous? This is one of the weirdest parties I have ever been to.” And Ramoaner is out. She hightails it out of there. Hope her date is better. It has to be.
LuMann is talking with Bethenny and Dorinda and they recommend LuMann talk to Carole. “I need a drink for this one,” replies LuMann. “I don’t have time for people like that,” says LuMann about Carole. Carole thinks Dorinda should not have brought John to the party. Ya think?
Smores! Smores? To add to the discomfort that is this shitshow, it’s time for Smores. Good plan, serve dessert and get everyone out of there! But you have to make your own Smores which means gathering together around a fire pit. There is tension and there is fire. Probably not a great combination.
Now its getting almost comical, yet still uncomfortable. John is trying to get Bethenny’s attention and she will not give him the time of day.
LuMann eventually corners Carole. The last time LuMann and Carol saw each other they were screaming at the reunion. LuMann says “we said a lot of hurtful things to each other.” Carole is like, um, “no I didn’t. Tell me one thing I said.” LuMann replies “It’s actually not what you said.” What? Oh and apparently LuMann called Carole a pedophile on Twitter. Wow! That’s low. LuMann says, “I don’t live in the past man.” What a cop out! Of course you don’t. You say awful things and move on! Good Lord. Being a Countess sure gives you a lot of social privileges!
All Carole was looking for was an “I’m sorry,” which never came out of LuMann’s mouth (later LuMann says she tried to apologize to Carole but she wouldn’t let her – say what?). So they agree to just pleasantly ignore each other. Now Jules is afraid her brunch tomorrow will be a sucky party too. It is. It’s a forgone conclusion. But let’s talk about what you are wearing Jules. The long tunic beige sweater with a wrap isn’t so bad. It’s your wine colored flared pants that I assume are supposed to be tight, but are hanging on you that look awful.
John in passing wishes Bethenny a Happy Birthday. “No my birthday was actually the day I saw you at the bra party hotel room.” You know, they day you verbally attacked her? So Bethenny says, “It’s obvious you want to have a conversation. Let’s go have a 5 minute conversation.”
John says, “I as waiting until the right moment (like when our car pulled up to take us home) but I was rude and abrupt and I apologize.” Bethenny says, “You thought you had a big smoking gun and were going to take me down. It was uncalled for and uneducated. I want to keep it simple.”
Now John is getting a little hot and replies “You want to slice, you want to dice? You wan to dance? You want to do this? What do you want to do?” He then mentions Bethenny made hurtful comments about him. “You don’t even know what I said to Dorinda,” says Bethenny, “I said you have to stop selling John.” John adds “and an opportunist.” Bethenny gladly admits she said that too and then says “we are done with this conversation.”
Bethenny says to the the camera “He doesn’t want to get into the details because he can’t remember them. They are inside a bottle of tequila somewhere.”
That didn’t go well. Jules thinks Bethenny is selfish but Jules doesn’t get it. Dorinda doesn’t want to be put in these situations. Well then stay away from the guy who keeps causing them. Bethenny and Dorinda really like each other and could be great friends but John is in the way. And he’s a turd. (I don’t want to pick on Dorinda who is having a rough time, but I don’t care for her beige turtleneck cropped sweater outfit. Why does she wear such drab colors?)
Bethenny realizes “guests (Dorinda) are crying at my house. So I have to put aside being repulsed by him.” Good luck with that. She she pulls up her big girl pants and tells John in front of Dorinda the decks are clear to make things easier for her. Now that’s a friend! I know how hard it is to try to overlook a friend’s jerk of a boyfriend/husband – and it usually doesn’t work in the end. However, Bethenny gets an A for effort. Bethenny says “I’m in once piece. No divorce.”
Now it the next day and brunch time at Jule’s half a house. Bethenny arrives and says “It’s a McMansion. Its a serious project, I feel like at I’m at the Bellagio.” A baby screams and Carole is like, what is that sound? “It’s a baby pterodactyl,” says Bethenny. “John answering the door was a real kick in the balls.”
Jules explains they bought the house 70% completed (I’m sure they got a great deal) and it’s a 7 year project. So why buy it? Jules’ husband is short! I digress. It’s a very casual brunch since the house is basically unfinished. They are gathered around a table of bagels. Bethenny says proudly, “I renovated the entire house in 3 months and same with my place in the city.” She then says something along the lines, “it’s a money pit if you don’t step on the gas.”
Jules is thinking “I have a 20,000 square foot house. STFU.” Well yes and your husband wants and in ground pool in the living room which is brilliant with small children. You can just tell they are driving some contractor nuts with all their changes and demands. They have probably been through 10 already and counting!
Now a bee is swarming around John “I’m allergic to bees. I didn’t bring my epi pen, I didn’t think it was necessary. There aren’t usually bees this time of year.” Bethenny deadpans to the camera “Would it be so bad if I painted John in honey?”
So now let’s talk about the food Jules won’t eat. It does not go unnoticed by Bethenny and Carole. Jules grabs a giant bagel and puts in on her plate, but won’t touch it. No schmear for her. Bethenny who used to have an eating disorder knows all the tricks and wishes she could un-see them.
LuMann arrives late again so she can make her grand Countess entrance and brings a nondescript date. Carole wants to leave immediately, but she also wants to take a tour. Bethenny says “pick a lane!” So after taking a quick look at the living room pool, they bolt! Jules is like, “do I have BO? It’s very hard to get into a groove with Bethenny. She’s a Debbie Downer. I see the smirk which makes me put a wall up.”
Over and out! There was no Sonja this week! I guess being Sonja may feel right, but is so wrong.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 4th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
4. Jules (but she needs a schmear)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”