Drama Alert! After a cigarette break (who still smokes?) we are back to the bra fitting party – where we left off from last week on the Real Housewives of New York. Jules is going team Dorinda and not Bethenny because Dorinda got her on the show. Mistake. Anyway, these bra fitters are probably like “these bitches are wild animals.” The claws are out!
We get to see the two super skinny women of the show try on these odd bondage bras and Jules says. “Carole is hot, if she were a lesbian I’d do her.” OK then. Knowing they are both skinny Jules says, “how is skinny not positive?” Well, skinny is good, but skeletal isn’t. Can anyone say ‘body dismorphia?’
Carole brightly escapes the fire for a date night with her younger man and Ramona makes some lame apology to Dorinda and bolts as well. As Bethenny put it she “did a drive by shooting and left.”
From outside the door we then hear “Those bitches better not be talking about me”…and here comes Johnny! Dorinda’s John really did remind me of Jack Nicholson when he was all crazed in ‘The Shining.’ He was all sweaty and gross. At this point I noticed there was a lot of black leather sitting on the sofa – which I find a positive. I digress.
Bethenny starts taunting a jacked up John and says “you’re a little lit up tonight.” She was right. He came barging in to the bra party (to which he was most certainly NOT invited) high and looking for a fight. Probably NOT a bright move when you know Bravo is filming, yet it DOES make for good TV. Then John starts accusing Bethenny of stealing his friend’s Skinny Cow name, or some other B.S. which Bethenny immediately shoots down.
Bethenny says “I just put out a fire and John came in with gallon of gasoline.” God I love her one-liners. She continues to taunt John (who is not a formidable opponent) “Don’t come in and talk about my business. Want to do some lines?” Bah. John comes back with a cheap shot “You can’t hold a relationship” – and – “I’m going to go home with my love.” Gag and um, lame.
Now Dorinda is very upset with this whole scene “You both have broken my heart” which was meant for both Ramoaner and John. John tries to get Dorinda to leave, but she’s not having it. “You’re an embarrassment” she says to John. Ya think? Poor Dorinda may have just realized she wasted 4 good years on John. She just wants to sink into a hole and cry. I can’t blame her. I would too. Bethenny knows deep down John does not make Dorinda happy. The whole thing is rather sad. But thankfully this failure of an evening is over.
The next morning Bethenny calls Carole while she is walking her dog Baby (again that name makes me want to stab something). But she sure looks downtown chic while walking her dog. A dog with soft poop, apparently. Bethenny gives her the play-by-play of what Carole luckily missed after she left. They both concur Bethenny’s upcoming “party” is going to be a shitstorm.
Now cut to LuMann and Sonja who are still filming separately from the rest of the cast and they go rental apartment searching on the Upper East Side because LuMann can’t shack up at Gray Gardens forever. LuMann also says she’s ready to put out to the universe she is looking for love. Say what? Anyway, the parquet floors at this apartment on the Upper East Side is not befitting for a Countess so they head downtown. This is a move Sonja just can’t comprehend. You have to live in NYC to know uptown people would never live downtown and visa-versa. You’d think you were talking about moving from Boston to LA. “Luann is so much more of an UES kind of gal,” claims Sonja. Well maybe not.
Cut to Bethenny and her staff tasting Skinny Girl candy and the remark “you have to hit this out of the park.” She needs to make money because apparently she has been pissing away millions on her divorce. Then Ramoaner shows up and wants to talk to Bethenny because she has been receiving multiple texts from Dorinda “my heart is broken.” Ouch. Ramoaner says Dorinda is taking it way too hard. “It is not meant to hurt her like that. I hit a nerve.” Yes, a big old nerve apparently. A big old hairy nerve named John.
Bethenny is having none of it. John was high and insulting her to the core. She knows Dorinda knows that everyone sees John is a schmuck, but she’s hooked on the action and it won’t end well. Ramoaner is destroyed. So what do they do? They call Jules! They want Jules to confirm the bra party was ridiculous and John is a buffoon, but Jules does not want to get involved. She stumbles over her words and barely forms a full sentence. The only one I understood was “It’s none of my business.” In the background Bethenny is saying “English is like a second language to her?” Bethenny can only take so much and rightly says Jules is “picking the wrong horse.” The scene ends with Bethenny saying “I never used my gift certificate for dry cleaning? Damn it!” Bah!
I swear I missed a scene or two because now Dorinda is back with John? They are driving in a car together . Say what? I would have kicked his ass to the curb after that bra party scene. Wait. I never would have dated him in the first place. Even if he were the last man on earth. Jesus. Bethenny is going freak when she learns Dorinda did not dump John. She thought that book was read, closed and returned to the library.
Then there is some stupid scene with Jules and her husband at their leveled Hamptons house where she admits they don’t have a budget. Of course. She can’t make a full sentence, how is she going to make a full house? She is a contractor’s wet dream. Their Jewish crap is making me cringe. I’m Jewish so I can say that.
Now Dorinda is meeting Bethenny and Ramoaner for dinner and she comments, “I have to go see the witches of the East Hamptons.” And here we go! “If you’re not nice to John, you are not my friend anymore.” She is going to stand by her hairy man. Instead she says “sadly the veil has been lifted”… about Ramoaner. Wait, what about John? She thinks Ramoaner betrayed and humiliated her? What about John? I can’t be the only one who cannot believe how this played out. Yet, I am surprised that Dorinda looks good. She has a Chanel jacket look going on.
Then the three ladies who lunch sorta kiss and make up and there is some conversation about the first time they had sex and something about a baby carrot? Fabulous dinner conversation. Or was it lunch? Who knows or cares?
“I was angry at John and we got thru it,” says Dorinda. Bethenny is rightfully gobsmacked and thinks “Girl, you’re in denial, she drank the kool-aid. She’s on the commune and we are not getting her out.” She’s sadly dead right.
Instead she says to Dorinda, “I’m sorry you are being torn,” which was a smart move. Dorinda says “I love him.” Bethenny says “never accept less than you deserve.” The winds have changed and all is not well.
Then Bethenny adds some humor that she must be going through the change because “I’m sweating like a whore in church and I have newscaster hair.” I hear ya sister.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the first episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
2. Jules (but she needs a hamburger)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”