The Recap And Fashion Drama of The Real Housewives Of Dallas Season 1: Ep 5

One thing is for sure, I don’t think I could live in Dallas. The fashion is as loud as the women! OK, that is probably a gross generalization, but this show is NOT helping my opinion of Dallas. The word ‘class’ starts flying right out of the gate this episode where the fight from last week rages on. Hint, if you use the word “class,” chances are you haven’t got any.

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Back to the melee that has broken out at “happy hour.” Tiffany chases LeeAnne out of the bar. LeeAnne keeps repeating “I’m done!” She thinks Tiffany is against her for trying to make her talk to Brandi and Stephanie. Tiffany grabs LeeAnne’s wrist and yells directly in her face “I have you’re f*cking back! Give me some f*cking credit!” Yet, LeeAnne is not hearing nor buying it. She thinks Tiffany coordinated the whole scene that ensued. Buy the way, I love the guy on the cell phone standing right there “ignoring” the whole fight on the street. Good job staying in the scene little man.

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Back inside the bar Stephanie is crying because LeeAnne went off on her and she is shaken. “I don’t want to hurt a charity I love.” Did Stephanie really just say that? Seriously? Brandi is just sitting there smirking because LeeAnne gave her all the proof she needed that LeeAnne is batshit cray cray. Stephanie says, “she’s crazy and I just don’t like to be around crazy people.” Cary adds “LeeAnne needs a time out.” She also thinks Stephanie is a little injured gazelle and LeeAnne recognized it and went in for the kill since she is easy prey.

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Back outside LeeAnne is like a wild animal. “I don’t care a f*ck about Brandi, Stephanie or Cary.” She wants the cameras to stop recording, but do you think they will? Hell no! LeeAnne takes her shoes off and crosses the street barefoot and nearly gets hit by a car to get away. She’s toast. She lost it. LeeAnne made a total scene at a cocktail party and everybody is either, hurt, embarrassed or laughing. Her “friend” Marie really set the whole thing in motion. Who throws drinks at a cocktail party? Nobody with ‘class’ that’s for sure.

The next day…Stephanie helps her son make a card for her wedding anniversary to his daddy. Um, I don’t make my kids do that. It’s her 7th anniversary with her husband Travis. She goes to ask Travis what she needs to wear that evening. Then the conversation turns to LeeAnne. She’s still shaken from the attack the prior evening. “I can’t get this fight out of my head and I feel I let my husband down and the family.” Travis doesn’t care. “She came after you because Brandi wouldn’t let her get to her.”

Cut to LeeAnne with her dogs the next morning who love her unconditionally. Rich asks how LeeAnne is feeling the next morning and if she has spoken to Tiffany yet. Nope. She’s not ready to talk and needs to process the whole thing. “I hate that other people can make me question Tiffany’s loyalty. She had her finger in my face and was yelling. You know how she can get.” Rich interjects,”I know how you can get too.” LeeAnne responds “I have huge insecurities because of the childhood I had. I want my friend back. On that side walk, trust me, I don’t think I said two words.” Rich says “I bet you did.” He recommends giving it a few days to let the dust settle.

Over at Tiffany’s house she gets a hug from Keith Urban/Johnny Rzeznik (from the Goo Goo Dolls) and tells him she doesn’t know what to do. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Should I text her? I’m going to see her later today. I just have to get through this clothing day.”

Cut to Brandi who I’m sorry – is just so Velveeta cheesy (like the color of her hair). She bribes her daughter with $10 not go outside.”I have no shame in bribing my girls! I love bribes.” Great parenting skills, Brandi. She’s waiting to meet her grandfather for the first time and it will also be the first time her entire family will ever be together. Her husband Bryan is traveling throughout the week but will get back in time to meet him because he knows it’s important to her. Um, yeah right. You two hardly speak.

LeeAnne goes to the clothing drive for HIV positive women which is basically a plastic bag drop off where clothes are sorted. She doesn’t want to do it because she is still seething from last night, but will be respectful because that’s what southern women do. They put on their game face NO MATTER WHAT! Tiffany arrives with clothes and LeeAnne is speechless and doesn’t say hello. Mature. Cary apprehensively brings items and claims she is still picking glass out of her hair. LeeAnne says to the camera “I don’t do hurt.” Once again blaming it on her childhood.” LeeAnne needs therapy, not reality TV. Nobody speaks to LeeAnne so she leaves.

Back to Stephanie’s anniversary. Travis is taking out Stephanie for their anniversary in their vintage Rolls Royce they got for their wedding 7 years ago. “It’s so crazy I have a Rolls Royce.” Whatever.

Meanwhile Tiffany calls LeeAnne from her cell in the car and goes to voice mail. “Today was really weird. I didn’t like it. I was standing right next to you and felt a million miles away. I don’t like it. I’m ready to talk if you’re ready. So call me back.”

Back to the anniversary date and Stephanie is taken to a, no the jewelry store in Dallas (“a lot of important people get to pick out their jewelry at de Boulles”) and gets to pick out a diamond bracelet. Because what we learned from the Housewives franchise is that at least one husband per season has to buy his wife a piece of expensive jewelry for the cameras so the rest of us feel like crap. “Travis spoils me rotten.” You think?  She picks an all white 23 karat diamond bracelet for $75,000 which is of course the most expensive one of the chosen lot. You can see Travis gulp and turn red (can I return that?). “The bracelet is a beautiful distraction. Everything is bigger in Dallas. Now I just need to convince him to stop giving me a to-do list, but until then I will take diamonds and vacations.”

Cary puts her daughter to bed, and then has champagne and dinner with her husband. She had to take her designer dress to the cleaners from the happy hour. “Tiffany and LeeAnne were not speaking.” They just want to get to Switzerland coming up with an exit strategy. “In Switzerland they speak 5 languages so our daughter needs to get on it!” Barf.

At Brandi’s house it’s time for the big meeting. Grandpa John played in the NFL and he’s tall! His wife Carol (on crutches) would like a glass of Jesus Juice. It’s surreal to Brandi. She prays and they eat.

Cary gets a box from her husband and he says “don’t be mad because I got you something.” He got her a new Roberto Cavalli dress (which is very sparkly and not my taste, but probably very Dallas). “You’re such a woman!” she says to the confessional “he spends tons of money on clothes for me. It’s awesome!” You think? Personally I think he’s gay. Maybe just a little. He likes shopping for women’s clothes just a little too much.

Brandi is at a loss for words with her grandfather. She apologizes for having a misconception of her grandfather. She feels comfortable being open to her grandfather. Like they didn’t miss a beat. “My husband is always traveling.” Brandi and Bryan are hitting rough patch and she’s s a little jealous of Stephanie and Travis. He is supposed to fly in to meet Brandi’s grandfather.

Now Tiffany is about to meet with LeeAnne. Good luck with that. You were screaming at her that you stick up for her all the time!  Like in her face screaming. “I don’t want to face my behavior. Right now I am one big emotion,” says LeeAnne. Tiffany comes up form behind and says “I really, really, really love you.” “I love you more!” says LeeAnne. Well that was easy. “This is not our first fight, we are going to sit down and come to Jesus right now,” says LeeAnne.

“I should never question that you have my back,” replies LeeAnne admitting she said it out of anger and hurt.  “I never should have yelled at you like that,” says Tiffany.” I can’t even fathom my screaming.” All is good now. ‘I’m always going to be team Tiffany and shes always going to be team LeeAnne,” says LeeAnne. For so long they only had each other. LeeAnne tries to be Christian, but the Carni comes out when she’s pushed or feels threatened which is apparently a LOT.

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Now time for the BBQ at Brandi’s and Bryan should be back. She’s such a ditz and bought knives on HSN that were supposed to be sharp but aren’t. “I’m excited for Bryan to meet my family.” Yet, we learn from Stephanie who calls her husband Travis that Bryan actually played golf and is now drinking with Travis. They are on their way. To dull the pain Stephanie makes up some lie how they met up from a meeting Bryan was coming from. Total lie. That’s a dick move on Bryan’s part. “Bryan is at bar with Travis knowing he should be here home with me.” That is pretty disrespectful. He shows up drunk and it’s very uncomfortable, like really uncomfortable. He hardly interacts with anyone but his kids. “He puts up a wall.” Oh boy, this marriage is in serious trouble and does not go unnoticed by Grandpa John. This hurts Brandi very deeply. “All I can think is you are the biggest douche bag and you are sleeping on the couch tonight buddy.”

So far in order of fashion sense as of the fifth episode (and this is subject to change per episode):

1. Tiffany

2. Cary

3. Stephanie

4. LeeAnne

5. Brandi

Do you agree?

Until next week (if I can take it) drink up the Jesus Juice. Or was it Jesus Jugs? Whatever. Is anyone even watching this show?

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Photos: Bravotv.com

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