Confessions of a Shoe Snob: Did I Really Just Buy These Ugly Shoes?

Oh behold the ugliness!

Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins… I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh… there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
-Spinal Tap, 1984 (my favorite movie of all time)

I don't know if these ugly shoes I just bought are quality, but they sure are comfortable. I have a confession to make. My feet hurt. At over 8 months pregnant they have quit on me. They will no longer suffer through hours in heels. They have rebelled. They are tired, swollen and even decided to grow a half size longer and few widths wider just to annoy me. When I get out of bed in the morning, they scream at me.

I stare at my closet of beautiful shoes with tears in my eyes. "Will they ever fit again?" I never realized how much I loved my shoes until they no longer fit. I swore I was going to be one of those pregnant women that wore heels and fab shoes throughout my pregnancy, but my feet had other ideas. They have betrayed me. I find myself wearing flip flops more than I care to admit. Even my beautiful Miu Miu flat sandals became uncomfortable around mid-summer. The straps started cutting into my feet. How could they do this to me?

Well, it's starting to get a little cooler outside and pretty soon, flip flops aren't even going to cut it and flat shoes with backs are not comfortable (more due to the expanding width of my once narrow feet). So what am I supposed to wear now? I did find an acceptable pair of flat suede boots which are easy to pull on and off, but it's not quite cold enough for them yet. Oh and I do have a dog I must walk a few times a day, so I needed something I could easily slip on. Someone recommended Orva on the Upper East Side…so I dragged myself there yesterday.

Orva is a store jam packed with 'comfortable' shoes. The kind of shoes I always made fun of. When I entered the store I just shook my head. The only shoe remotely fashionable were Hunter rain boots (already own those) and Jack Rogers (already own a pair in silver) and it's a little late to be buying those now. The rest of the shoes were Birckenstocks (I refuse to go there), Merrrils and the like.

After looking for five minutes I knew I had to get some help soon or I was going to leave…barefoot. The salesman (yes, he was a sales man) had literally 5 minutes to bring me some comfortable shoes in black. As I looked around waiting I noticed there were a lot of women in mom jeans and these sneaker looking hiker shoes carrying multiple boxes to add to their closets. "Shoot me now" I thought.

After trying on 4 pairs of some of the ugliest shoes I have every seen, I settled on the least offensive…a black leather pair of Merril clogs. God I hope nobody sees me in these…or at the very least, doesn't hold it against me or revoke my membership as a dare say? Woman of style. I am saying prayers nightly that my feet will return to thier normal size so I can kiss my Yves St. Laurent shoe collection hello instead of goodbye. If you should run into me within the next month or so, please…don't look down.

-Lauren Dimet Waters (expecting mother with aching feet).