So, um, here’s the deal. I’m on vacation this week (and next) and don’t have access to a DVR (which helps me get the quotes in my lengthy Real Housewives Of New York City recaps). Therefore we are going to try something new. I am going to wing it! I am watching the show in real time and just pray I can keep up! This may or may not work, especially since my mother is sitting next to me and I expect her to say, “What’s going on? What did she say? What’s wrong with these people? You watch this crap?” She just asked me to turn up the volume. I’m screwed. It’s going to be like watching an R rated movie with your parents when you are 12.
Back in Miami, Bethenny is telling the girls Tom has not been faithful to LuMann. She should probably be telling LuMann directly instead of gossiping about it, but then there would be no need for a three part series of Tomcat Gate. So Ramona is flipping out and wants to see the picture on Bethenny’s phone (which thankfully she doesn’t show). We find out it’s been only one week since his engagement that Tom’s busted sucking face with a woman in bar! What a scuzzball. Ramoaner thinks it’s Bethenny’s decision to tell LuMann or not (she’s right). Apparently Bethenny was texted 2-3 photos of Tom kissing another woman. Did I mention Ramoaner is freaking out?
The girls are now all getting nails and makeup done and Ramoaner talks to LuMann about her quick engagement. Ramoaner is on pins and needles and is DYING knowing what she knows but says, “I’m zipped up.” Good luck with THAT Ramoaner. Bethenny shows Carole the pictures on her phone and it is very clear to Carole it is Tom in the pictures. LuMann is just dying to make it down the aisle with this guy. Bethenny has to tell her about the pictures, “It’s just a question of when and how.”
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The girls go to a dinner that Dorinda planned but she and a few of the others are really late. Like an hour and a half late! At the restaurant Bethenny says, “Luann fell in love with the attention, getting engaged, the press, the ring, but something seems off. It’s very all manic.” Apparently Ramoaner told Sonja the news about Tom cheating because Ramoaner has a big fat mouth (and other personality problems). Bethenny is like, “It took you (Ramona) 10 minutes to tell Sonja. What are you – 3? Then you tell Chrissy from Three is Company?” Romaoner says, “She’s my BFF, of course I had to tell her. I tell her everything.” Bethenny is shocked to learn Sonja was with Tom just before Thanksgiving (which is when the timing gets fuzzy). The whole thing is really quite disgusting and unseemly. So basically LuMann was sleeping with Tom while she was living with Sonja. Sonja admits to Bethenny that she has been hiding back her emotions. It’s not OK to Sonja and LuMann should know it’s not OK. Think LuMann gives two figs? No. Lu cares about Lu. What has become clear is that Tomcat wants to marry a Housewife to get on the show! Even my mom figured that one out quickly.
When the other girls finally show up (due to a Carole’s wardrobe malfunction) Dorinda’s dress is insane! It’s all zebra print with sequins. It’s ghastly. It’s awful! Come to think of it most of the other girls all walk in looking crazy. Bethenny looks the best in a mauve dress. Carole is wearing a really sheer dress that exposes her midsection and is super age inappropriate. Bethenny is fuming. Carole can’t get dressed and Bethenny is annoyed with her. But then a seafood sampler arrives and everyone is happy. LuMann has no idea what Tom is up to tonight, but that’s OK because she trusts him. (Bad idea). Did I forget to mention that Lu’s yellow sequin top is fugly? Yikes. The girls are supposed to go to the Sandbar the next day and Ramoaner is not getting the concept nor is she happy. She is going to be a pouty child so she shouldn’t go. Did I mention Ramoaner is wearing one of her black macrame dresses and is being a diva? Dorinda thinks Ramoaner should be a team player and just go to the Sandbar. Argh! My mom keeps asking me questions! Shut up.
After dinner some of the girls then go to a bar to dance and Jules gets up on stage and makes a spectacle of herself. Sonja and Bethenny go back to the hotel because Bethenny is pissed knowing this information about Tom that threw her off. A part of Bethenny feels badly for LuMann because she loves Tom. Sonja thinks Bethenny should go to Tom first. Huh? So Bethenny asks Sonja for Tom’s phone number so she can call and confront him. This is a bad plan. LuMann as it happens is calling Tom the exact same time as Bethenny? WTF? Bethenny says she feels like she is going to throw up while the phone is ringing. My mother is in complete shock BTW, especially when she sees the ads for the other shows on Bravo. I’m dying.
Back from the commercial; The phone is ringing and Bethenny mercifully goes to Tom’s voicemail. So she decides to sleep on it. He obviously answered LuMann’s call. Or not.
Now it’s morning and breakfast arrives in their suite. Bethenny is going to meet her friend Sarah for lunch because she wants to get out and away from LuMann. Carole tells Sonja that LuMann thinks she and Tom only had a one night stand. Tom is a lying sack of shit. Dorinda walks in with Jules and the other girls are still talking about Tom which obviously Dorinda is not having. “Can’t we talk about anything else?” Then LuMann walks in and everybody is very uncomfortable. They are supposed to go to the Sandbar which is like an all day beach party. Ramoaner walks in looking like she did the walk of shame. She bails on the Sandbar thing and is going to Bagatelle instead.
Ramaoner then walks in wearing the UGLIEST tan macrame dress! Does she get these hideous macrame dresses in bulk at Costco? Now Bethenny is going to Bagatelle too. Somehow we learn Sonja was supposed to meet Tom’s mom around Thanksgiving. Now they are making bets if LuMann is getting married. Carole asks, “What’s the over under?” “Dorinda acts like she doesn’t see LuMann in this relationship,” says Bethenny. “There is something behind all of this skepticism,” says Dorinda. Yes Dorinda, it’s called photographic evidence!
Dorinda, LuMann, Carole and Jules are hopping on the boat to go to the Sandbar. Sonja, Bethenny and Ramoaner are all at Bagatelle. Bethenny has decided she is going to tell LuMann about Tom right before the trip is over! While on the boat LuMann is thrilled someone knows her music (C’est Bon). Carole is happy to spend the day away from Bethenny because she knows these girls think she is too clicky with Bethenny so she wants to appear more neutral. Carole hops on a canoe to go get food. The other girls love Carole without with Bethenny. She returns saying, “I brought provisions,” but she ate the hotdog on the way back and only brought ice cream. Now LuMann tells the girls what Bethenny said to her the day before (about Lu and Tom having an open or closed relationship), because she is in shock. “Carole, she has been divorcing longer than she has been married,” LuMann says. Good point. LuMann thinks the women are trying to mess up her walk down the aisle, but she doesn’t see or know it’s Tom who is messing things up. She admits she had an open marriage with her first husband but that it wasn’t for her. She had to put up with it because she had no choice.
It’s the last night and and the girls are going out for dinner. Dorinada says to Jules, “Ramona is a dog that bites. I’ve pet her on the ass, I’m not touching her on the face.” LuMann is not happy with Bethenny so Bethenny brings a diversion – her “famous” artist guy friend (who I never heard of). Ramoaner is wearing an ugly Pucci-ish mini dress. Lu looks pretty in a white dress. I adore Jule’s blue off-the-shoulder top. Dorinda is wearing one of her boob exposing jumpsuits. It’s white and has netting and she is going to have a wardrobe malfunction unless her boobs are taped. Actually I think this jumpsuit was the same one she recently wore on WWHL! (The only reason I even watched that one was because she was on with Jules and I wanted to hear what she had to say about her failed marriage which was as usual, a letdown). Dorinda is still pissed the three gals didn’t go to the Sandbar. I just noticed Bethenny is wearing a crop top. Carole says, “Lu, he lied about Sonja being a one night stand.” LuMann is not having it, “I will kill for him.” You might have to.
Here we go…The next morning LuMann comes to Bethenny’s room to “talk.” Bethenny is wearing a bikini for the BIG TALK which seems really inappropriate. She knew it was coming, put a coverup on! LuMann starts by saying she is hurt is by Bethenny. Bethenny looks sick to her stomach. She is shaking. “Well I want to tell you something…” Commercial break; “You mean all there are all these housewives shows? In different cities? Do YOU watch them?” My mom has been exposed to the sad underbelly of my pathetic life.
Now Bethenny has to tell LuMann what was dumped in her lap. “I have to tell you something.” She goes on to say, “This is fact. I promise there is nothing about this I want to be doing right now.” LuMann is like, “Please don’t let this be about Tom.” Bethenny says, “It is about Tom.”
To be continued….AGAIN! Why does Bravo have to drag this out for 3 weeks??? Also, is this season going to go on forever? Lord help me if there is an episode 25. I did not sign up for this!
UPDATE: So after dinner Thursday evening my mother sat me down and asked me why I watched such crap. She found all of these women pathetic. “Are these shows popular?” I replied, “sadly, yes.” She remains appalled. I could see the disappointment and disgust in her eyes. I have to do this again next Wednesday too. I’m a dead woman. I wish she had a second TV, or I may have to watch at a friend’s house. I can’t take the guilt of watching reality TV.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 19th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. Bethenny (except for the bikini in the last scene)
2. Jules (her blue top stole my heart)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme, Fandango shot or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”