On this week’s Real Housewives Of New York there is a Tom for all the housewives! ‘You get a Tom, and you get a Tom, and you get a Tom!’ I think Oprah is giving them away. This show should now be called Desperate Housewives, since LuMann is clearly desperate to get married to anyone and especially someone who is breathing, rich and gives her a “murky” huge yellow diamond.
Dorinda is waiting at the restaurant Morini when Sonja walks in with a huge fur hat, a too short coat and titty hard on – which is pointed out by Dorinda. Dorinda breaks the news that the Hawaii trip is off because Bethenny needs to have the fibroid surgery and can’t take a long flight (she could bleed all over the plane or flood it apparently). The trip is now to Miami (wah, wah). But the good news is that now LuMann can come since Palm Beach is nearby.”So we can celebrate Luann and have some good old fashioned Miami fun, which I’m sure the Countess will adore,” says Dorinda.
Then LuMann and Ramoaner (in full night time makeup face and her extra long extensions) arrive. “Look at you all gussied up,” says LuMann showing her age (80). Dorinda announces the trip is now gong to be to Miami. Ramoaner is not pleased because she goes all the time. “Lets face it, I go to Miami like I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I mean Miami is not really a special place. But really? That’s the best you can come up with?” LuMann is thrilled though. “Florida actually works out perfectly. I have a ton of friends in Palm Beach. My girlfriend has a beautiful yacht (and) she offered to have an engagement party for Tom and I and now the girls can come!” But LuMann isn’t going to stay in Miami, she has to stay in Palm Beach with Tom an hour and half away. Sonja says. “You can’t leave Tom for one second? You’re connected at the penis.” No, if she leaves Tom for one second he may share is penis with someone else. Now LuMann texts Tom to check in and see if it’s OK and because she is now codependent. Sonja loves the restaurant’s meatballs. “Who says no to a good meatball? I don’t. Where’s there one there’s always two!” You have to love that crazy Sonja!
Cut to a pouring rainy day and Jules (wearing a hippie 70’s look that only she can pull off) runs into Jeffrey (a high end department store in NYC, which I adore BTW) for Miami shoes because she only has night-time shoes! She is excited about the trip since she can see her ailing father whom she adores in Boca which is only 45 minutes from Miami. How convenient Ramoaner (stepping up her fashion game) and Sonja (in a hideous brown fur wrap that seriously looks like the entire dead animal) arrive to shop for shoes too. Once the coats come off there are too many cold shoulder tops for me. I HATE cold shoulder tops. Back to the show. Now Ramoaner apparently has a bone to pick with LuMann. “We all know if you want something out of the press you don’t perpetuate it. You shut your mouth. She (Lu) told me purposely, I want to protect Tom when you go to the trip to Mohegan Sun so don’t discuss how Tom was with Sonja or this or that. So now she goes to a fashion show (she must mean NYFW in February) and she has the nerve, the audacity, to say ‘Oh, well I don’t really care if Ramona went out with Tom or Sonja because it’s BL, Before Lu’ and now it gets written up in the f’ing press and they get the quote wrong! They said that I was his friends with benefits instead of you (Sonja).” Oh LuMann, did humans even exist BL?
Now Ramoaner’s current boyfriends are reading this and thinking she’s a slut, you know…like Lady Morgan. Romoaner says, “If a reporter comes up to you and asks you about it (the Tom situation) a smart women would say, ‘I love that color blue they showed.’ It’s called bait and switch Luann. Don’t you know how to do that? You do that with men, can’t you do that with your mouth too?” She continues, “Every time she talks to the press my name gets in. I don’t want my name associated with her and Tom.” Any other press he will take though. Ramoaner says she went out on 4 or 5 dates in August. Then talk turns to the 3 date rule (so did Ramoaner sleep with him or not is what I want to know). Sonja that hussy says to the confessional, “You can have sex on the third date, that’s for sure. But if you go to lunch and dinner in one day that’s two dates. There’s ways to speed it up.” Sonja explains that she and Tom went on some dates too. It wasn’t just booty calls. Ramoaner says, “I don’t want to be with any man who had his thing in you, sorry.” Sonja looks surprised. That basically means the entire dating pool over 30 on the Upper East Side (where both Sonja and Ramoaner live) is off limits. There will be a famine. “I don’t date guys that other girlfriends have dated. Period.” says Sonja. She does have some morals! Jules now just wants to buy shoes damn it!
Now Dorinda arrives at Bethenny’s to discuss her shoe situation. Is that all these girls care about? Their shoes for this stupid trip? Bethenny is having the girls come over to work out the logistics of Miami. Then Carole arrives with a scratch on her face from a dog. Again, boring. However, I kinda love Carole’s yellow sweater with the puffy shoulders which surprises me since I normally don’t dig yellow. Then Ramona shows up in a super ugly leopard fur vest. Bethenny tells them the fibroids are huge and have to come out so she is thrilled they are going to Miami. Dorinda explains that there is a cocktail party Friday night to celebrate LuMann and Tom and then LuMann will come to Miami on Saturday to spend the days with the girls. She says, “It’s supposed to be Miami for the weekend but somehow Lu has managed to slip in a boat engagement party. I don’t know how she pulled that one off.” Because it’s always about Lu! Bethenny says, “Sonja and Tom being on the same time. You (Ramonaer), Sonja and Tom on the same boat. The only two who haven’t had a romantic interest in the past 6 months are you (Dorinda) and Jules.” Wait. Did I miss something? That means he was interested in Carole and Bethenny too? Ramoaner says, “What man goes after 3 girlfriends? I mean I’m close with Sonja, everybody knows that so why would he be doing her and asking me out?” Bethenny says, “Sonja will chime in. She’ll start some shit on Friday, 100%. She’s a sleeper cell. I’m speculating as to what will go down on that boat. The fact that 3 people’s lips have touched Tom’s whatever, is joy to me.” But Bethenny is not going Friday to the party. She got a hall pass to this boat party from her doctor and has to rest. Bethenny wants to have a big cheesy Mexico theme party the next week. Hot, cheesy and glamorous. Now is this before or after the Miami trip and can I come?
Now to Carole’s apartment and she is talking to Dorinda on speaker phone while she is packing for Miami. She says she’s still skeptical but she has yet to meet Tom and now has to meet him. Dorinda says, “Listen, you come from the place information is power. So for you, you could use it as investigative reports.” Carole says. “I’ve go to be honest I am curious because Tom has dated 3 of my friends and now he is marrying one and they will all be on the same small boat together and I’ve got to see what this guy is all about with my own eyes.”
Jules arrives in Boca to see her parents. Jules’ mother Kazue is adorable (she’s really Asian)! Her dad’s name is Gene too. My Dad’s name was Gene. Now I really like her! Damn it. I didn’t want to like her. Anyway her parents have been married 36 years. They stick by each others side and it’s really nice to watch them – sadly unlike you (Jules) and your husband. Her parents are a super cute couple. Jules tells them that her line of drinks are coming out in 3 weeks. She’s now a business owner. Are her drinks good with booze I wonder? Her dad is really proud…maybe he’s excited she can now leave her turd of a husband. They Facetime the kids who are with Maria (the nanny) while her husband is probably with his side piece. Her 5 year old son Jagger is upset because Daddy has not come home. Ouch. That hurts my heart. Michael is a dick. She describes the group of “girls” to her dad. “They always fight. They are 6 strong catty women.”
The other girls arrive in Palm Beach. Sonja looks insane with a straw hat and down white vest. Anyway, Ramaoner as usual is trying to get someone else to carry her bags. Her excuse this time is that she hurt her wrist working out. Yeah, whatevs. Thankfully Ramoaner only packed one GIANT bag for two nights on the yacht so she can drag it herself. Now can she unpack it? Unlikely.
LuMann is blissfully on the yacht and is beside herself with happiness and she wants all the girls to be HAPPY. Jules roles up with her luggage and LuMann is as giddy as a school girl. While the other girls (Dorinda, Sonja and Ramoaner) are still at the airport Ramoaner asks Dorinda if she has started trouble and stirred the pot already. Sonja says to the camera. “Dorinda speaks out of both sides of her mouth and out her ass. I mean she is just the stirrer of all stirrers.” Their driver is young and cute so Ramonaer turns to Sonja to ask if they should flip a coin over him like he is a piece of meat. Easy girls. You are making Dorinda uncomfortable. She’s a chubby chaser, not a young boy chaser. In the car Ramaoner mentions she is still not pleased with LuMann. “You’re not going to talk to her about that stuff tonight are you?” asks Dorinda. Ramoaner replies “I’m not there to attack her, I just don’t understand why she’s not being forthright with me. It’s common knowledge that she calls in all the stories. Desperate or what?” Yeah, she’s obviously desperate. She get engaged after 6 weeks of dating.
Sonja says, “All I’m saying is I did my job keeping everything under wraps. While I was seeing him and as soon as I found out about Luann…” Ramoaner cuts her off and says. “He’s screwing her (Sonja), dating me…” This guy Tom must be something!
LuMann tells Jules all the girls are coming except for Bethenny who is not well. She is also happy Carole is coming tonight and says, “We’ve come a long way. I’m really happy that things have turned around in every single way (for me because it’s all about ME!).”
Back in the car Dorinda says, “While Tom was dating Lu she was living with you (Sonja)?” Sonja says, “Yes. She told me she was dating 3-4 guys and he was one of them and I didn’t know that.” Dorinda thinks it’s odd Tom never mentioned Sonja to LuMann. To the camera she says, “It’s just not right. I mean it’s Upstairs Downstairs (that’s an OLD reference). Was there a shower in between? Was there a change of bedding? I don’t know. He’s being very deceitful.” Ramoaner says, “Well she was deceitful on how she picked up Tom that night. So I don’t like it when someone is a liar.” Dorinda thought she had set them up and they went on a date. Ramoaner has to explain, no she picked him up at a bar while he was on another date, did him that night and has been doing him ever since. Ew. “That’s Luann, LuMann. I think she’s a sex addict,” says Ramoaner.
Dorinda, Ramoaner and Sonja board the yacht. Sonja says to the camera, “I haven’t seen Tom in a while so I’m a little nervous about seeing him tonight. But he’s always very charming (I’m sure) and can handle himself and I can handle myself. I just want this to be a good night for Luann.” Then she adds. “Don’t even mention this yacht in the same sentence as my ex-husband’s yacht. No, no no. It’s in a totally different league but is just wonderful to be included and kudos to Luann that we’re even on a yacht.” LuMann asks Sonja, “Ware drinking or are we not drinking?” Sonja replies she is not drinking, but why not? She takes a glass of champagne and Ramoaner grabs it from her hand. “I LOVE the new you,” says Ramoaner. So what does LuMann do? Hands another glass of champagne to Sonja. Now I hate LuMann. Lu says, “A toast to me.” and clinks glasses with Sonja. Why would she push alcohol on a dry Sonja? Now I hope this cruise turns into her biggest nightmare. Bitch.”This is what I have been saying all along, Luann is not the best influence on Sonja. She’s in such a great place and Luanne should not be pushing drinks on her.” I agree with you on that one Ramoaner.
After they toast LuMann takes the girls on a tour which includes a Jacuzzi. For once Ramonaer doesn’t care which room she gets. She just wants to get into her bathing suit. She then proceeds to make the guy (staff) who is unpacking for her watch her do a strip tease. Sometimes I blush for that woman who has zero self-awareness. Jules and Sonja leave to put on suits to go into the hot tub which leaves Dorinda and LuMann alone on deck. Dorinda says, “I think at some point Ramona is going to want to talk to you about stuff.” “About what?” asks LuMann. “I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I want to enjoy myself.” Dorinda says, “I think there’s a whole thing about when he was dating you and when he was with Ramona.” LuMann says, “He wasn’t dating Ramona. She’s an idiot. I can’t wait for her to try to talk to me about that. They give interviews to the press.” She says to the camera, “Do I want to talk to Ramona about the press and Tom? Not tonight. Tonight we are here to celebrate.” To Dorinda LuMann says, “This is my story. She’s not going to ruin my evening. No one is going to ruin my life with Tom. This night is going to go off without a hitch. And believe me Ramona Singer and her stinger is not going to affect me! Are you kidding? Bring it on!”
“Do we talk them and their men?” LuMann asks Dorinda? “It’s our story and one that we write (and re-write apparently) it’s not for them to comment on and do press about.” Dorinda says, “Well that’s the weird thing, are they giving interviews or are YOU giving interviews? That’s what she was saying to me.” To the camera Dorinda says, “Here’s the thing, someone’s putting it in (the press) and no matter who’s putting the stuff in the press, Sonja, Ramona or Lu, it shouldn’t be there.” LuMann says, “I was golfing with Tom and put the hashtag LOVE (#love) and that’s how the story got picked up.” Um, I’d like to call bullshit on that. Puleez. That doesn’t even make sense. I think LuMann is a big fat liar is what I think. “I can say what I want to to the press because it’s ME (isn’t it always?) it’s my engagement and it’s my man. It’s not theirs so I can talk about whatever I want to.” So now Dorinda is thinking did you talk to the press or did you not talk to the press? Um, McFly…of course she did! Dorinda is confused, but I’m not. Where is Carole and her reporter skills when you need them? Get to the truth damn it!
Sonja thankfully went back to drinking water, “This is a tricky situation, I need to keep my wits about me. So no champagne for Sonja.” Ramoaner has her take some picks in her cheesy one-piece black bathing suit with skimpy wrap when Carole finally shows up looking cool in her white jeans and denim jacket. Ramoaner starts grilling LuMann about the guests attending the party and wants to know who the men are. They are friends from Palm Beach and now Ramoaner and Sonja want names! There will be lots of gays there, and women with dates. Maybe LuMann doesn’t really know these people. “Stop stirring the pot!” yells LuMann.
Now to Miami where Bethenny is lounging with her friend Sarah at the beach. She’s explaining how she is not a lot of fun right now because she is not well and sleeping 10 hours a night. “I’m sitting here and they are all on the ship of fools and I just want to know what’s going on. And I hope everyone has their life preservers.” She continues to Sarah, “Luann is over the top, waxing poetic about all the men she’s dating and all summer she’s extremely desperate. Next thing I know, she’s in love, she’s getting married. So we’re are like is this really happening? Who is this guy Tom? Then it comes out that Sonja has been sleeping with him for 10 years. And Luann started dating him while living with Sonja, but didn’t tell Sonja.” Sarah rightfully says. “Oh no.” I would have said ‘What the f*ck kind of soap opera sh*t is this and why do you know these people?’ but that’s me.”
Back on the ship of fools, Carole tells LuMann she’s excited to meet Tom. LuMann says, “That’s right, you have never met him before.” Carole says, “well for a second (I met him). Ramaoner says. “That’s right, she met him with me one time while we were on a date.” LuMann says, “Well he was a player for sure but as I say, BL I couldn’t give a flying leap!” That’s right. Keep your head in the sand. Sonja says to the confessional. “This is very awkward, I lost a companion, I lost a lover and I lost a dinner date and she keeps saying, ‘Well that’s before Lu’ and it’s very dismissive to me because I am BL.” Sonja has a great point. “But I’m sucking it up for AL, After Lu.”
Back to Bethenny on the beach, “He’s been with all these wealthy women or who he think he’s wealthy, he goes through a certain barracuda crew on the Upper East Side. The only difference is that Luann is the biggest barracuda of them all. So now the ring comes. Wednesday at 2:30 in the morning I receive a text from a person I know really well who has no dog in this fight, does not care about any of this.” To the camera she says, “Someone sent me a series of texts that are so incriminating that I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t blow up this whole engagement. This could possibly mean that the wedding will be cancelled.” Now on a side note, I think LuMann ain’t letting go unless the news is he raped and pillaged a small farm community. She tells Sarah, “It all checks out. I don’t want to be holding this information. I have to tell her.” TELL HER WHAT??? There’s like 5 minutes left! Come on!
It’s now evening and the girls are getting ready on the yacht. Romaoner asks Sonja, “So the last time you saw Tom you were with him in like bed. What’s it going to be like seeing him tonight?” Well if the sexy black dress Sonja is killing is any indication it is going to be hard (or a hard on) for Tom! LuMann is going to be pissed when she sees that dress. The last time Sonja saw Tom before Thanksgiving she slept with him! Ramona’s dress is this ugly brown sequin number and when she sits it’s so sheer I can see her butt crack (swear to God). Carole looks boho hippie chic.. and LuMann looks great in her white modern/sleek yet not virginal dress, but why does it have to have cut-out shoulders? It’s going to be awkward and Sonja is starting to get emotional. Roamonaer let Sonja know Luann knew about Sonja, but Sonja didn’t know about LuMann until Tom was dating her.
It’s over? Wait. Where did the hour go so quickly and what is this big news and did this Mexican party happen? I’m so confused. But as usual, we have to wait a week for the bomb to drop. Dang it.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 17th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. Sonja (for that dress in the last 3 minutes of the show alone)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”