Lord help me. I’m not sure I can sit through this drivel again. This week’s Mad As A Hatter description of the Real Housewives of Dallas when I hit the info button stated “LeeAnne enlists a designer to create an extravagant hat for the Mad Hatters Tea Party.” Really? This is interesting? Really?
We start with a nipple tattoo and a dance lesson from a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Is this good TV? Apparently not since I fell asleep and had to watch this the next day (Tuesday) on my DVR (which is why this post is a day late, but who cares?). This show is a total snoozefest so I will try to make this review more interesting.
Cary can’t cook so her husband the plastic surgeon cooks, and she claims when they met he was a fixer-upper. He lost 80 lbs and looks much better now. The before picture was pretty bad so she was right. Money talks and it says “get over the man-boobs and clean this guy up.” Their plan is to build his practice and then open a business in Switzerland so they are teaching their baby how to speak in several languages. These people are messed up.
YES! I LOOK FORWARD TO #GROWINGYOUNGER
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LeeAnne lived in Dallas for 16 years and nobody knew who she was until she started to get involved in charity work and now she’s on a Bravo show! From one carnival show to another. Now she is focused on the Mad Hatters Tea Party (no idea what the charity is actually for) and her hat which she gets for free since they get “so much publicity!”
Brandi thinks the Mad Hatters party is nuts “I support the cause with money, but I want to have fun at the same time.” So she decides to make her own hat with toilet paper and poop. Stephanie is willing to help her build this masterpiece but just can’t go there. Probably a wise call. Brandi is brandishing a glue gun and having a blast acting 12 and building a massive hat with grass, plastic dogs, toilet paper and fake poop.
Stephanie went behind Brandi’s back and apologized to LeeAnne for last week (I swear I can’t remember what happened since I don’t care) because she doesn’t want to get involved in their pettiness. Dallas is dumb. Or at least this version of Dallas is.
LeeAnne and Tiffany became friends through modeling and are cooking out with their men and talking about inseminating cattle. I’m not lying. LeeAnne wants to marry her cop boyfriend but he obviously is not into it. He would rather talk about sticking a hand up a cow’s butt than marriage. Whoops.
Back at Tiffany’s house with her hot rocker husband who looks like he is totally out of place he talks again about his music career over a meal. Hear that Bravo? Can you help? He left LA for Dallas for his wife and he deserves a music career damn it. Aaron gave it all up for her. I smell disaster. I mean divorce.
Brandi apparently bakes cake from a box (I’m not judging since I do the same or buy one already made) with a little dog in her arms (that I don’t do) with her 2 adorable redheaded girls. They are making a birthday tea party for when Nana comes over. Brandi says the cake batter looks like poop. She obviously has a poop fixation. She even called the cake a “poop pie.” Then they have a tea party and she says “Everybody has sh*t.” Stephanie stops over beforehand.
Tiffany and Aaron go to look at homes to put roots down in Dallas. They find one that has an LA vibe which Tiffany loves and Aaron is hesitant to buy a house that large. I can see this marriage is going to melt down. Like in a few episodes.
Back to Nana’s birthday party. Brandi’s mom had her when she was 15 and her family abandoned her. So Brandi doesn’t know her grandfather. That’s why Brandi claims she doesn’t give a damn what other people think. Wait, is her mom like my age? I digress.
On to the Mad Hatters Tea Party (yawn). LeeAnne is getting ready with about 50 pearl necklaces and asks her boyfriend Rich if he thinks it’s too much and then ignores him when he says it is. She has grown up and can’t party like she used to. “I party for a purpose.” Now those are words to live by.
Speaking of not growing up – between Stephanie and Brandi the word “poop” has been said at least 75 times this episode. If my husband caught one minute of this crap (pun intended) I’m watching, he’d literally kill me. This show is literally poop.
The charity costs $350 for a ticket to $35,000 for a table. It’s the event of the season and LeeAnne’s favorite event of the year. It’s apparently attended by the who’s who of Dallas society. It’s taken very seriously so Brandi should be horrified, but she’s not. The hats are pretty insane. There is even a poodle and an owner dressed alike. For the love of God! My eyes are burning.
Brandi thinks it’s hysterical that people don’t get she s wearing a poop hat. LeeAnne is horrified when she learns Brandi’s hat has poop on it and LeeAnne is not amused. LeeAnne says seriously “This event is a treasured event in this city. The majority of the women (and gay men) at this event are IM-PECC-ABLE, beaut-iful, graceful, elegant. Brandi’s hat, she might as well have walked up to every women at this event and said “bitch slap, I’m here.” She doesn’t understand that wearing this hat is damaging to her reputation.” Some guy said “I can’t believe her husband is letting her wear that.” He does not know and it’s 2016. Not that I would EVER go to a Mad Hatter party unless it was a real one and we were dropping acid which I think would make this episode entirely more enjoyable frankly.
LeeAnne purposefully isn’t reacting. Air-kiss and now get the f*ck out.
Brandi ditches the hat midway through the event because the plastic poop was falling off. Then she gets talked into putting a turd on LeeAnne’s chair. So mature. LeeAnne picks it up and without missing a beat makes sure the person who is uber connected in charity society knows Brandi’s hat was a poop hat. Oh my. “My family donates thousands of dollars every year and nobody tells me how to behave (are you ready for the Bravo prerequisite line?) at the end of the day.”
“Crossing the wrong people in society gets you crossed off the list!” chirps LeeAnne. Over and out.
So far in order of fashion sense as of the second episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. LeeAnne (I liked her multi pearl and Chanel hat look for the charity event. Her makeup was rough though.)
2. Stephanie
3. Tiffany
4. Cary
5. Brandi
Do you agree?
Until next week (if I can take it) drink up the Jesus Juice. Or was it Jesus Jugs? Whatever. Is anyone even watching this show? It’s 40 minutes of my life I will never get back.
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Photos: Bravotv.com
