I have come to two, well three conclusions. 1) Dorinda is the shit stirrer of all shit stirrers. 2) Tom is a man whore and is marrying LuMann for reality fame (he has family money, but not fame). 3) This marriage will happen because LuMann wants to be married more than anything, but it will end badly. As in Bethenny and Jason badly. Anyway, this week’s much anticipated episode of the Real Housewives of New York, starts off where we left of last week – getting ready for the engagement yacht party in Palm Beach.
Sonja learns from Ramoaner that LuMann knew about her friends with benefits arrangement with Tom. “Luann knew about me?” says a crushed Sonja. The engagement was 8 weeks after they met which happens to overlap a bit with when Sonja was still rolling in the sheets with Tom. It’s all a little unclear. Guests start to arrive and LuMann is proud to show off her ring to anybody with a set of eyes. Meanwhile downstairs Carole clarifies that in another time Sonja and Tom would have been considered lovers and asks Sonja if she had hoped it might turn into something more serious. Sonja says she doesn’t know, but this engagement has certainly thrown her for a loop and it’s making her reflect and probably think “why not me?” In that black dress she is wearing, I’m thinking the same thing! Sonja has not seen Tom yet, but is certain that when she goes upstairs and see’s him they will handle things “diplomatically. In public, that’s what we do.” The girls go upstairs and join the party. LuMann sticks to her story that is was Dorinda who introduced her to Tom, but we all know LuMann actually picked him up in a bar around Thanksgiving.
Sonja and her dress get a LOT of attention – her nipples are about to pop out, but she actually looks fabulous. Romoaner on the other hand? Yeeesh. That brownish tank dress is a hot mess. All the men are on Sonja like white on rice. Sonja says to the confessional, “Luann put this together last minute but this crowd is kinda iffy. It’s not the ‘Palm Beach’ that we were all expecting. Yes, there were a handful of those people but the REST! Oh my God, if we put them all on the right side of the boat – we would sink.” Ramona and her sheer dress and extensions walk out onto the deck where Tom is with a bunch of men. Tom starts to look really uncomfortable as Ramoaner makes it a point to meet all the men on the deck with him. LuMann gets out there quickly and literally blocks Ramona from Tom. Tom is retelling their version of how they met and Ramoaner interrupts and yells “Good evening!” Then LuMann quickly introduces her to some guy named David. Anything but let Ramoaner talk to Tom! LuMann is going to be exhausted. Side note; the hair extensions on this boat are insane (insanely bad)! There must have been a sale at Target.
Carole is dying to finally formally meet TOM. “I would not miss the sideshow of Ramona and Sonja and Luann all in the same room with Tom.” Sorry but if I were a single man I would pick Sonja over LuMann. Sonja sees Tom eyeballing her from the distance and she is nervous because she doesn’t want to do anything to “rock the boat.” (So screwing him downstairs is probably out). She gets her mojo up and decides to act her normal flirty self. It doesn’t work. Tom is acting way more distant (and uncomfortable) than Sonja expected. Tom also meets Carole and LuMann appears. Carole explains how they are hearing the proposal story again. Sonja says to Tom, “So after you guys get married you will have to introduce me to a nice guy.” And a very nervous Tom says, “I’ll see what I can do. Only the best for you” Then Tom clears his throat and introduces her to some man, Sonja says, “Tom is acting way more distant than I expected. I expected him to be warm, loving, give me a hug and be concerned for my feelings. But no, I’m just BL, BT and it’s BS.”
Some guest asks Tom (while standing with Ramoaner) how he met Luann, Ramona and…Ramoaner cuts her off and says, “Oh we met in a bar (about Tom) 10 years ago. I was with girlfriends but I was married then to Mario and he kinda flirts with me and my girlfriends.” Tom quickly denies it, but of course Bravo has footage of this actually happening. See a pattern here? Anyway, Tom made her glad to be married at the time. She goes on to explain, “I thought he was kind cute (post divorce) and we went out like 4 or 5 times.” Tom says, “We went out, once, twice, come on!” Romoaner smiles and says to him, “OK baby, you’re engaged now I’ll say that. Fine. Baby, whatever you say.” Ramoaner is surprised Tom can’t come clean that he went out with her a handful of times. “So why would he not be honest with her and why would he make up stuff? It’s kinda bizarre. You don’t start a relationship that way. Let alone get engaged that way,” says Ramoaner to the camera.
Sonja is now getting hit on by a MUCH older man. As in looks like he’s in his late 70’s. He arrived with another woman, but makes it clear that they are only friends. He LOVES her dress. Who doesn’t? Sonja says she’s ready to commit to a man and this silver fox may just work if his bank account is big enough.
Back to Ramoaner, Tom and Carole. Tom mentions something about an ex-fiance. Carole is like, “How many have you had?” Then Tom says Ramoaner smells like a grapefruit and both Ramoaner and Carole are a little taken aback because he is flirting a bit with Ramoaner. Tone it down a little.
Jules takes over the bar and yells out “shots on me!” Someone had to get this party rocking! We don’t hear music yet Ramoaner starts doing her awful ‘Turtle Time’ dancing all by herself. Think Elaine of Seinfeld. I think Jules’ shot is called Fandango which are being passed out to everyone.
Carole and Roamoaner go out on deck to get some air. Carole giggles and says “That’s the cutest thing I have ever heard a man say to any woman – that you smell like a grapefruit?” Carole says to the camera, “Tom and Ramona have a really easy, natural report, but I don’t think that Tom should be telling Ramona that she smells like grapefruits. I think he should be telling Luann.” Oh this is probably not good.
Next we see see LuMann and Sonja hug and Sonja tries to tell LuMann she’s happy for her and all LuMann can say is “I’m getting married” and flashes her ring in Sonja’s face. Sonja says to the camera, “Just say Thank You and give me a hug when I wish you well. Don’t flash me with your ring and blind me. I’m already kinda stunned.” Meanwhile Ramoaner is still on deck telling Carole she thinks both LuMann and Tom are insecure and need reinforcement. LuMann pretends she’s secure but she is not. They both need constant reaffirmation. Carole says, “that’s not a good recipe.” Ya think?
Back inside a cake arrives and Dorinda makes some drunken toast that nobody understands because she is slurring, but she starts doing her drunken arm wave. All eyes are wide. She is hysterical really. The party is over and there were no arguments and the ship didn’t sink. Phew.
The next morning, Jules goes up on deck to Facetime her kids. Maria the nanny answers and when she talks to her kids (this part breaks my heart) she learns Daddy is not there at all. Maria says maybe he is in the Hamptons. Apparently Michael (her midget asshole husband) always dumps the kids at his parent’s house when he has them. She expected Michael to be with the kids, but he left them with the nanny. She then calls Michael and he says he’s in NYC. “I can’t leave for 4 days and you can’t be with them?” He says, “I have 1001 things to do, I am going to be there this afternoon.” Dick head. He is with his GIRLFRIEND! Think Jules is finally realizing her husband is lying? Probably not. We all see it though. Marriage over. “The kids deserve a good dad. Now I feel guilty that I left.” As a mother, I feel horribly for her and more so them.
It’s 10:10am and Dorinda thinks Carole has slept long enough so she brings her coffee in bed. “You can sleep when you’re dead.” They start discussing the party and how surprisingly fun it was. Dorinda learns it was not Carole’s first time meeting Tom. She tells Dorinda she met him briefly when he was dating Ramoaner after their 4th or 5th date. Dorinda can not keep all the stories straight. Neither can we! Dorinda says Tom told her they went out twice. They both realize Tom is lying. Carole says Ramoaner is not a liar, but both conclude they were not sleeping together. Carole says,”But I don’t think Luann cares so I don’t understand why he (won’t fess up).” Dorinda says, “Today is the day of reckoning. We are going to get the story straight. Dorinda calls Ramoaner in. To the camera Dorinda says, “Someone is not being forthright here and at some point the stories are going to have to gel.” Ramoaner enters the room and says everyone knows I do not lie. She continues, “So the first time I met Tom he picked me up at Baccarat (a bar in the Upper East Side). He was very charming and personable. He says, ‘Listen, I’d really like to see you tomorrow. Can I pick you up for drinks?’ So now we are at the Surrey Hotel (also on the Upper East Side) and we are having this really great conversation and he says let’s go for dinner. So we go for dinner at Raoul’s (also on the Upper East Side) and he drew a heart with a pen on my leg that said ‘TD + RS’ back in August.” Then she says something I can’t understand, but the other two are surprised. LuMann then sticks her head in to announce breakfast is almost ready. When she leaves Ramoaner continues to say she went to his apartment to learn to play “backgammon.” Dorinda said, “But he never told you he was dating Sonja?” Nope. Dorinda finds that weird and says, “Listen I am just happy the focus has moved from my John to her Tom but there seems to be endless information that just seems to keep on coming and I’m still trying to figure it out!” They are trying to be happy for LuMann but there are a lot of moving parts to this story.
Now Ramoaner goes in to check on Sonja who is a bit upset come morning. She feels silly for feeling a bit jealous, but she’s happy for LuMann. Ramoaner said she only just casually dated him so she can’t imagine how this must feel for Sonja. “It kinda hit me this morning. I woke up and was like, I’m happy for both of them, but we were lovers.” Ramoaner hugs her and says, “It’s kinda weird that your good girlfriend is marrying your lover.” It’s too close to home and Sonja is a wee bit sad. Awe. Sonja says to the camera, “I did have a nice friendship with Tom and Luann is being non-cognizant of that and that makes me feel bad because she is my friend and I need her to (consider) my feelings too. But she’s gloating at this point.”
Up on deck at the breakfast table Dorinda starts to stir the shit and tells LuMann that the girls are downstairs still going on about the ‘Tom Story’. LuMann doesn’t understand why they can’t stop talking about it. Dorinda is now trying to play LuMann’s BFF and it is getting LuMann all wound up and pissed off. Jules and Dorinda agree it’s not appropriate. Say what? Dorinda YOU were just downstairs trying to piece the puzzle together! WTH? THAT woman is NOT to be trusted. Yikes.
So now LuMann heads downstairs to let Ramoaner have it. She barges in to the room where Ramoaner and Sonja are and says, “Listen Ramona I’ve got an issue with you. Stop talking about Tom! Stay out of my business. He told you last nigh the real truth (or the story they are sticking to). I’m not interested in what you have to say. Do you understand me? Don’t be that jealous bitch! You’re making up stories that you dated Tom. You know that’s not true. You are being inappropriate.” Romoaner says, “Actually, I want to talk about your inappropriateness. I was going to do it later, but let’s talk about it now. As you know when it comes to press, when they ask you to make a comment, you change the subject. I don’t need the men I’m dating to know I went out with this dude. So you were at a fashion show last week and in the press you made a comment about Sonja and I dating Tom. You should have shut your god-damn mouth. Let me show you.” LuMann says, “Sure. Go and get it.” To the camera Ramoaner says, “She didn’t want me to talk about her, so why should she be talking about me?” And apparently the press got Ramoaner and Sonja mixed up! So now Ramoaner is loose. To Sonja LuMann says “We all know the press writes their own stories, it’s not coming from my mouth!” Yeah righto LuManno.
Meanwhile Carole appears for breakfast and Dorinda admits she may have stirred the pot and started shit. Ya think? Jules says to the confessional. “I feel like maybe Dorinda might have to keep her mouth shut sometimes.” That would be a change.
Ramoaner returns with the article clipping and says “because of YOU I’m the one they said is the friends with benefits!” LuMann says, “You think that I put that?” Romaoner replies, “No because you said ‘Oh I don’t care what happened BL.” LuMann says, “That’s right.” An incensed Ramoaner says, “But you are not supposed to comment about shit…you have perpetuated this. You are quoted. SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You are supposed to say, ‘what a nice dress.’ You perpetuated this! You are a bitch for doing this! I don’t want my name in the press! Keep your God-damn mouth shut! My dating life is discreet. I don’t need this.” She storms off.
Ramaoner walks up to the deck where the others are eating breakfast and announces she just had a huge fight with LuMann. She looks at Dorinda and says, “Again you’re a shit stirrer!” Dorinda admits it was her fault. Smirking she says, “I’m sorry. What was I supposed to say?” Ramoaner says. “No, I’m mad at her because if she had shut her god-damn mouth it would not have been in that article! I need eggs! And Sonja was crying.” Dorinda is like. “Why is Sonja crying?” Ramoaner says, “Because she never really had closure with Tom. I think it’s amazing Sonja put aside her feelings. I’m not sure I would have done that. Why does Lu get a free pass? Why does Tom get a free pass? Who plays with people’s feelings this way?” Dorinda is like, we are not crying over that! It’s stupid and Carole is all like, well they were lovers for 10 years. Then shirtless military men go sailing by and all the women loose their minds and forget what they were talking about and flirt.
LuMann sits down to breakfast and calls Ramoaner over. Romoaner is like, don’t use that tone with me and wants a breather. LuMann asks Ramoaner to apologize and she says, “What am I apologizing for?” LuMann says, “You are apologizing for what you just said to me first of all and second of all I need to apologize for saying ‘you know what? I should not have lost my temper.” Um, Lu…as usual you don’t get it. “OK, so I’m sorry, but I can’t have you on the boat like this if you are going to continue down this road.” Doridna and Jules are trying to pretend none of this is happening and are eating breakfast. LuMann and Ramoaner agree to apologize to each other which we all know will last maybe an hour. “Just please stop talking about Tom,” begs LuMann.
Jules says to the camera, “These girls can’t act like adults. I just hope that when we get to Miami we’re gonna have a good time, but probably not.” Probably right.
The girls are now headed to Miami to meet up with Bethenny who is already at the hotel. The engagement party was on Friday night. “Thursday morning at 2am, day day before the engagement party I get s series of texts that could completely cancel the engagement. I remember it like it was yesterday. IT WAS YESTERDAY!” Bethenny says to the confessional. She puts on the most amazing beach coverup and proceeds to call Carole who is en route. Carole tells Bethenny she would have hated the party. Bethenny tells her she needs to see her alone for a minute because she doesn’t know what to do (with the information she has).
The girls arrive in Miami to a beautiful massive suite because that is how they roll on this show (c0mped for exposure of course). But there are only 5 rooms and 6 of them. Oh no! Panic about the room situation sets in. They use the key card and walk in to Bethenny’s room! LuMann and Dorinda enter the room to give Bethenny a hug. “Of course Luann is the first person to come greet me.” Bethenny is resting on bed and LuAnn shows her her engagement ring because she is the last person in Florida who has not yet seen it. Then Bethenny starts asking LuMann strange questions, like; are you connected, are things good? LuMann says she is madly in love and can’t believe it. Bethenny continues, “and how’s he?” LuMann says’ “He’s great. He’s super excited. He’s going to be 50 on New Year’s Eve (which is why they want to get married then).” Bethenny continues, “and you are 100% sure?” LuMann says, “100%, a 190%!” LuMann knows Bethenny is shocked “I’m still shocked.”
Like the old days Ramoaner and Sonja room together. They actually pick the smaller room which is odd, but of course it has the larger terrace! There is always an ulterior motive. They just want to get naked and head to the pool. “Turtle Time!”
Back to Bethenny and LuMann chatting. LuMann says, “Right now I’m so happy the last thing I want is drama and stress.” Bethenny continues, “You guys don’t like talk about each others past ? This is like a clean slate? I know this is going to sound ridiculous because you had a different European situation with Alec, but are you guys monogamous?” Now apparently LuMann and her ex had an open relationship. News to me. Moving on. LuMann says, “Of course we are (monogamous), we are getting married!” To the camera LuMann says, “WHY are you asking me such bizarre questions? Who asks that?” Bethenny says, “Just make sure you are 100% sure. I have been through an ordeal and how do you know you can trust him?” LuMann says, “I know him. I know Tom. He’s my soul mate.” Now LuMann is suspect of Bethenny’s questions.”Like she’s up to something. She’s not being mean. She’s not being argumentative. She’s just being coy.”
The other women are in the hospitality suite. I would gain like 20 pounds if I were on this show. There is food everywhere! I just noticed Dorinda is wearing a t-shirt with a giant scarf…in Miami!
Ramoaner enters Bethenny’s room with Carole in tow. “I’m so perplexed. Tell me how the trip was honestly, ” Bethenny says to Ramoaner. Both Carole and Ramoaner said they think LuMann is really happy with Tom. Carole said, he was charming and flirted with Ramoaner the whole night. Carole mentioned LuMann came out of Bethenney’s suite looking frazzled. Bethenny tells them she asked if LuMann they have an open arrangement. Bethenny says, “I’ve heard he’s (Tom) not really wealthy on his own. He has some sort of family name, but that he himself isn’t very wealthy. And that he dates only wealthy women and they pay for everything. (Guess mommy paid for the ring).”
Carole says, “Did you tell Luann all this?” Bethenny says, “No that’s the problem, I’m not her BFF. I don’t want to know one third of the things that I know. So I’m looking at her like, she’s so happy, but he has not been faithful to her already.” Ramoaner says, “No! Don’t say that! Now that would make me feel really bad for her. This is terrible. Was it with an old girlfriend or a new fling?” Bethenny says, “a girl that also happened to have been a Playmate or Playboy Bunny. They were making out for over an hour at the Regency Hotel (in NYC) on Wednesday. I’m not every telling anybody how I know this! So can I ask you a question? I know it’s true. It’s a fact. I honestly don’t know what to do with her.”
Romoaner says “Then say nothing.” Ramoaner says to the confessional, “I’m not liking Tom right now. I don’t think he’s such a nice guy. A nice guy wouldn’t do that.” The fact he was at The Regency checks out. Tom has like 5 haunts on the Upper East Side. Apparently he was really drunk, but still…making out with another woman publicly when you are engaged is asking for trouble. Bethenny says, “I have to tell her. I would want to know.” Carole says, “Would you?” Ramoaner is upset. Here they are all celebrating LuMann and they come to find out Tom is a POS (piece of shit). Carole is like, “Are you sure? She was really happy.” Now Bethenny doesn’t know what to do. Carole says it could be hearsay and Bethenny says, “I have a picture of him and the girl making out.” Ramoaner screams. Oh my God.
TO BE CONTINUED…
LuMann, just my two cents, but “you in danger girl!” Abort mission!
So far in order of fashion sense as of the 18th episode (and this is subject to change per episode):
1. Sonja (still for that dress)
2. Bethenny (even though she was on for 10 minutes her coverup kicked ass)
Do you agree?
Until next week…raise your class of Pinot Grigio, Skinny Girl, Tipsy Girl, Modern Alkeme, Fandango shot or dirty martini! “These, these are my friends.”